


The Artist and His Muse

by cwnorth



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Artist and Muse, College AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-06 12:42:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 29,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15886281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cwnorth/pseuds/cwnorth
Summary: Based off a RP that @squip-ward and I did on Tumblr <3 She wrote Connor and I wrote Evan. :)Check out my original fic "And This is What I Long For" here on AO3 for lots of DEH angst and romance.





	1. I

Connor knew this project was going to be a struggle. It was for his Intermediate Life Drawing class, and he had to get someone else on campus to draw a portrait of. He had to write a short essay on why he chose the colors, shading, everything else and how it helped portray the personality of the person. Which was easy enough, except Connor didn't know anyone that well. People thought they knew him, but they really only knew rumors about him. The campus was relatively small so Connor knew that everyone has heard at least one story about him. No one really _knew_ him, though. And Connor didn't really know anyone either. Sure, he had a roommate and people he talked to in class when he had to, but that's it. He didn't have anyone he'd really call a friend. So his plan was to just go up to the first nice looking person he saw and hope for the best. He had to get this started and done with as soon as possible, so he went right to the library after getting the assignment and went up to a boy who was sitting alone.

He looked nice enough, not like he was violent or weird or anything like that, so Connor went and sat in the chair across from him. "Hey, I'm Connor," Connor introduced, even though he was positive this boy has heard of him before. "I need someone to help me with a project, be my muse I guess you could say. You interested in helping? I can pay you or whatever. I don't have money or anything but I have, like, 20 extra credits to the dining hall so I can pay you in cookies or something."

The library was Evan’s sanctum. He knew no one would bother him, and he could actually study like he was supposed to, after all wasn’t that what college was for? Sure there were parties, but he didn’t like parties. Truthfully, he didn’t like talking to people, which is why he didn’t like most social functions. This particular day, Evan was studying for a map making class he had. This was turning out to be particularly difficult, mostly because he couldn't choose what park he wanted to make it after. The state park to the north had a very nice variety of sycamores, but the national park to the west had a more interesting land to chart as it was full of hills and valleys. He scribbled on some note paper and compared various resources, quite enthralled by his work when suddenly all was interrupted quite brashly by another student throwing himself down in the seat opposite him. He wanted to... “wait what?” Evan said, shyly, quietly. “You want to do what with me?” He said - Connor was his name? - he wanted Evan to be his “muse”? Evan’s pen hung limply from his hand as he swallowed nervously. “You don’t know me though. Don’t you want to ask one of your friends?”

Connor let out a little laugh and pulled out his notebook and a pencil. He scrawled out his name and number onto a piece of paper before tearing it out and passing it across the table to Evan. "I need to make a portrait of someone or something, but my roommate sucks and won't do it. And I don't really know anyone else, so no, my plan was just find someone who doesn't look like they'll kill me and ask them to help. And your maps are very non-threatening, so I decided to ask you," Connor said as he looked over at what Evan was working on. "So is that a yes or no? I just need to know so I can start working on this." Connor knew this was pretty forward, but that's just how he was. That's how things got done and it was a little brash and direct sometimes, but hey, it worked for him.

Evan felt his cheeks turn scarlet. His maps looked “non-threatening”? He’d never met anyone so...forward. He couldn’t tell if it was refreshing or terrifying. “Um s-sure I guess... I mean I have homework a lot but I can sit for you sometimes?” Evan had one major problem in his life that was the bane of his existence. He couldn’t say no, to anything, or anyone. It was the actual worst. He took the piece of paper with Connor’s number in his shaking hand. “W-when do you want to start?”

Connor shrugged, not letting on to how relieved he was that this guy agreed. He really didn't want to have to ask someone again because even though he seemed pretty confident and straight-forward, he really hated talking to people a lot of the time, especially new people. But hey, fake it until you make it, right? "How about once you let me know what your name is?" Connor asked when he realized he didn't even know what this boy's name was. "But no, really, I'm free basically whenever. Whenever you want to do it. You can do your work or whatever you need to do during it, I might just need to talk to you for a bit because I need to write some essay on your personality and how that influenced what I drew, some bullshit like that."

“Oh, my name is Evan,” Evan held out his hand, then grew subconscious about how antiquated handshaking was and withdrew it before Connor could grab hold. Evan wiped his sweaty palm down the side of his pants. “Sorry, I uh.... um you said you want to start soon? You could come by my dorm. My roommate Jared is gone till 10 usually. He works down at the pizza parlor on 8th, so um yeah we wouldn’t be bothered.” He didn’t expect Connor to be so casual about it. Evan thought it would be super formal, stand still for an hour sort of posing thing.

Connor was glad Evan retracted his hand, because he really didn’t want to shake it. He chuckled a little at the motion anyway. “Alright, that works for me,” he said. He knew Jared, or would know him if he saw him. Jared was one of the people who spread rumors about him most often; “ _did you hear Connor went backpacking across Oregon last weekend? No, I swear, I heard it” “he was at the Kappa Kappa Psi party the other day, and Kyle told me Vanessa saw him do 8 shots in a row. I swear!” “I have Professor Russo for Statistics now and I swear him and Connor had anything like everyone says, I bet a million dollars they did”_. Connor has never confronted him about that, though. He never addressed the rumors, just tried to ignore them. “Just let me know when and where, whatever works for you. I’ll just have to do a quick sketch before we talk more and then I’ll do a full out once I get to know you better. I’ll try to get it done as soon as I can so you don’t have to worry about this for too long, alright? Thanks for doing this, by the way. Means a lot.”

Evan didn’t take Connor for someone who showed any sort of appreciation, so the gesture was...nice, albeit a little unusual. “Um y-yeah,” Evan stuttered. “How about 6 o’clock?” Really it could have been any time, as Evan had no friends, nor any sort of social life. But he picked a specific time to make it look like he had stuff to do. He wasn’t done studying yet, but Evan had a feeling this conversation wouldn’t really “end” until he left, so he began to pack up his textbooks and roll up the maps. “Well I should go but um I’ll see you tonight?” Evan let out a small smile and brushed away a blonde curl that fell in his eyes.

Connor nodded and smiled back. He tried to photograph that in his mind, partly because it would help his portraits, and partly just because Evan’s hair was pretty and his smile was soft and sweet. “Yeah, I’ll see you,” he told Evan.

He couldn’t believe his plan actually worked, and on the first try too. He could’ve sworn he was going to have to google someone and just bullshit the whole thing. He was glad he actually had someone to work with, someone who didn’t seem to judge him before even getting to know him due to all the rumors that went around about him.

 


	2. II

Evan got back to his dorm room, heart racing. Why on earth would he agree to this? What was he thinking? There were so many rumors about Connor that each one should have made him more and more terrified of this enigma that was Connor Murphy. But here he was, having agreed to be interviewed and sketched for a portrait. It was all so ridiculous he almost laughed. He couldn’t stand around pacing until Connor came over in 3 hours so Evan decided to deep clean every inch of the dorm room, being extra careful around Jared’s things as he was very particular about his stuff. After he had cleaned there was still an hour to go so Evan made himself some dinner with their tiny microwave and electric countertop stove. He was just finishing up when a knock came to the door. “Come in,” Evan called casually.

Connor showed up to Evan’s dorm a little early, just to make sure he had the right one. The last thing he needed was to show up late because he couldn’t find the right dorm. “Hey,” he said, bag of art supplies on his shoulder as he walked into Evan’s dorm. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt your dinner or anything,” he said when he realized Evan was still cooking. “Like I said, I just need an initial sketch so you can eat and do whatever you need.”

Evan smiled nervously as Connor came in. “Oh uh it’s okay, I’m just about done. There’s enough for t-two,” he said grabbing an extra bowl and setting it on the counter, “if you w-want some. It’s just noodles and some veggies and stuff.” Evan grabbed his food and sat awkwardly on the edge of the bed. “Is... is here good? You can sit wherever, except on Jared’s bed. He’d kill us both,” Evan joked awkwardly, except that it came out sounding not like a joke at all. “Anyway... um what should I, uh, talk about while you draw?” 

Connor had already eaten, but he didn’t want to be rude so he took the extra bowl Evan gave him. “Thanks,” he said as he watched Evan sit down on his bed. Connor shrugged at the question and looked around the room. “I’ll sit wherever,” he told Evan. He didn’t want to sit too close and make Evan uncomfortable, so he sat in the chair Evan had at his desk instead. “I don’t care, whatever you want to talk about,” he said as he pulled out his sketchbook and pencil and an eraser. “What are you into? What’s your major? Stuff you like doing? Any of that stuff.”

“Well, I really like trees," Evan started, "which is why I’m majoring in Environmental Science. That map I was working on earlier was for my favorite class. The hardest part about it is always choosing what parks to map.” Evan tried to eat but now that Connor was actually here, he sort of lost his appetite. He sat the bowl down. “I could tell you anything you want about trees and plants and how to identify them. I like to take walks in the woods and gather plants and herbs. I have a little container garden along the window.” Evan pointed to the window across the room which did indeed have a long planter box attached to it. “All those are plants I found and have been studying here.” Evan stopped himself for going on. “S-sorry I could talk about it forever. Jared tells me it’s annoying and no one cares about my forest expertise.” Evan let out a half hearted laugh.

Connor didn’t find it annoying at all. He liked hearing Evan talk about it, actually. “Here, then,” he said casually, stopping his sketching process so he could hand Evan a notebook from his bag. It had dozens and dozens of sketches of plants, flowers pressed in pages, sketches of trees and animals and leaves and anything else he found. He loved going to the woods and on walks too, but for the artistic aspect. He was never out of ideas of what to draw because whenever he couldn’t think of something to draw, he could draw something from nature and keep himself busy for hours. “Have you heard of fractals?” Connor asked Evan as Evan looked though his sketchbook, tucking one pencil behind his ear as he opted for another, glancing up at Evan for just a second before his eyes averted back to the notebook in which he was sketching. He had at least 5 sketchbooks on him at all times; they were definitely one of his little obsessions and guilty pleasures.

 Evan’s eyes lit up when he thumbed through Connor’s sketchbook. “These are beautiful,” he almost whispered, his fingers brushing the pages ever so slightly. “You...you like going on walks out in the forest too? Wow... I love this one,” he pointed to a drawing of a squirrel perched on an oak. He almost didn’t hear Connor when he asked about fractals. “Oh um like in snowflakes? Aren’t they just similar patterns recurring at progressively smaller scales?” Evan handed Connor his notebook back, reluctantly. “Those drawings are better than even my nature encyclopedias. I have one from 1907 with all hand drawn images. You could... borrow it sometime if you wanted.” Evan tucked up his legs on the bed and adjusted the collar on his polo. It was warm in here, or maybe he was imagining it.

“Thanks. I’m shit at drawing animals, but I try to practice whenever I go into the woods and stuff,” Connor said. He glanced up to Evan so he knew he was listening, and to get a better look at him for his sketch. “And yeah, basically. That’s why nature is so fun to draw, it’s all math. You draw a tree trunk, then cut that in half and that’s the size of the branches above it, then add more branches that are half the size of those, then more branches that are half of those. And pinecones and things follow the Fibonacci Sequence, and it’s all just mathematical and makes sense. I don’t know, it’s lame, but it makes drawing so much more interesting.” Connor’s eyebrows raised a little at Evan’s offer. “Yeah, sure, I’d love to look at that some time. But anyway, what do you want to do after this? After college, I mean. Do something with parks, or...?”

“Oh...” Evan really didn’t think much about what would happen after college mostly because he didn’t think he’d ever amount to much. “I’d like to hike the Appalachian trail someday, and maybe discover new varieties of plants, and then write a book about it all after, maybe. I don’t know... I’ve never really thought I’d get this far.” He smiled to hide how much he actually felt bad about saying that out loud. What a pathetic thing to say. “But anyway... what about you? What do you want to do with your art? Show it in galleries or something?” Evan stretched out his legs and gave a little yawn.

Connor felt the exact same way. “I don’t even know why I’m majoring in art, honestly. I’m not going to make a living from it, I’m not good enough for that. I’m really just here because I got a full ride. I wasn’t even expecting to make it until college, so I’m kind of just winging it.” He was sure he would’ve been dead by the time he reached senior year, and 3 suicide attempts throughout high school got him pretty close. But here he was, and he was really just figuring things out as he went along. He was incredibly good at art, and most things honestly. Most people thought by looking at him, based off of the long hair and the black clothes and everything, that he would be stupid or bad at school. But he was beyond intelligent, smart and talented enough to get a full scholarship to that school. But even his parents didn’t really acknowledge that; they still treated his sister like she was the gem of the family, and though she was smart and talented as well, Connor still got better grades. He just didn’t get nearly as much acknowledgement or praise for it.

Connor seemed to zone out then, and Evan sat up a little. “Hey are you okay? You um look a little lost in thought. Do we need to stop for today?” Evan didn’t know Connor’s story, why he was who he was or what motivated him to go on or not. But he had a feeling it was hard for him too... this living life thing. Evan understood that. After years without a father, and a mother who had to be gone nearly 24/7 to compensate for that left him nearly completely alone. It caused him to internalize everything. And the fact that his father left, left him wondering if he was the cause. Evan tried to tell himself this wasn’t true, but he always had a sinking feeling it was. He sighed. Being alone was what he was most good at. No wonder talking to Connor, although generally refreshing, was actually quite exhausting. Trying to act “normal” for him.

Connor blinked a little and looked up from his sketch to look at Evan. “What? No, I’m alright,” he told him. “We can stop if you want, though. Sorry, I should’ve known doing it later in the day was probably a bad idea, you’re probably tired. I can head out if you want.” He didn’t know that Evan was asking if he wanted to stop out of concern, not out of annoyance or anything else. Connor just assumed Evan got sick of him. Everyone did, and Connor had absolutely no self confidence so he didn’t doubt for one second that Evan could hardly stand him already even though he’s barely been there for 5 minutes. He was already closing his sketchbook, even. Already putting his extra pencil back in his bag. He should’ve known this wasn’t going to work out.

“Oh um...” Connor was packing up his things, and Evan didn’t really know what to say anymore. He hadn’t wanted Connor to go, nor was he asking him to, but turns out he must have wanted an easy out, and he got one. “Oh well... okay," Evan stammered. "Um do you need to meet up again? We could do it another day? Maybe earlier, on a weekend?” Evan glanced at the untouched bowl of food on the desk. Connor must have had an allergy or distaste for something. Dammit, that was stupid. Evan kicked him self for not thinking to ask instead of assume. That probably offended Connor. Evan frowned, and messed with the hem of his shirt.

Connor just shrugged a little. “I mean, I need another sketch, but if you don’t want to meet up again I can just bullshit it. I was kinda expecting to do that anyway, say I changed the shape of your eyebrows to show your, I don’t know, your sensibility or change the color of your cheeks for, I don’t know, some BS they’re looking to hear. I can just fake it. This whole project is stupid.”

Connor didn’t mean to switch like this, it just happened. Whenever he was confronted with anything, his walls just shot up entirely and it was hard to get him out of his head. Paranoia was a big problem for him, so Evan asking if he wanted to stop set off a million dominoes. It made Connor think that Evan hated him, that he didn’t want to do this, and then Connor got embarrassed for even suggesting this or trying to find someone to do his with in the first place, which made him think of how no one liked him and how Evan couldn’t possibly like him and how this whole thing was just stupid. He just made a bad impression with another person and surely Evan was going to go around and spread more rumors about him and then people would be even more uncomfortable around him. Connor just started spiraling, all from one simple question that really wasn’t meant to be bad at all, one that was just asked out of concern.

Evan saw it happen, and it happened so fast. One moment Connor was here, the next he was gone. Not physically, of course, but mentally. Evan knew what it looked like because he’d done it before too. It didn’t look the same on him, of course, because Evan didn’t get as angry, but he _did_ shut people out. And because he knew this, he knew it would be hard - if not next to impossible - to draw Connor out of it.

“Hey, no worries,” Evan tried to remain as calm as possible, to show that he could stay present even if Connor wasn’t. “I totally understand stupid assignments. Can I... can I have the picture, when you’re done?” Evan played his cards carefully. If Connor agreed to give him the drawing, it would guarantee they met up again, which is what Evan wanted. Connor intrigued him. He wasn’t anything like Jared made him out to be. Sure he was a little brash and aloof, but he wasn’t dangerous, or violent, or mean, or cruel, or any of the hundreds of other adjectives used to describe him around campus. So Evan decided he wanted to know more, if at least to prove Jared wrong, and give him something to be jealous of for once.

Connor nodded. He should’ve known that this is all Evan agreed to this for. The only reason people liked him in middle school is because he would draw for them, and once they got to high school even that wasn’t enough to keep people around. He should’ve known Evan only agreed to do this so he could get a free portrait out of it.

“Yeah. Yeah, sure,” Connor agreed. Evan seemed so calm, way more relaxed than he was before. And god, that made Connor feel terrible. Did he really make Evan that anxious, that uncomfortable? Was he really that happy to get Connor out of his dorm? He even agreed the project was stupid. Connor should’ve just stuck with his gut and gone with finding someone random off google or something and just drawing them. Finding someone on campus was too ambitious, too stupid, too immature and optimistic. He should’ve known it wouldn’t work out. What was he thinking, wasting all this time getting to know someone just for a stupid project he could easily just bullshit instead? He felt so stupid. He was so embarrassed about all of this.

“I can just drop it off here or whatever,” Connor said. “I’ll have to turn it in but I can give it to you once I get it back or give a copy or whatever. I don’t know, I’ll figure it out.” He stood up, and he really couldn’t get out of there soon enough. He felt so stupid, so embarrassed, and he just wanted to get out. He realized Evan still had his notebook that he took with him on nature walks when Evan held it out to him, but Connor just shook his head. “No, keep it, I don’t care,” he said before leaving the room and closing the door behind him. He didn’t value his art at all, didn’t think it was even worth keeping or worrying over, so he had no problem with Evan keeping it. He just wanted to leave before he let himself get even more upset.

“Wait Connor I -“ but the door shut in Evan’s face before he could do or say anything else. It was so quiet then. He felt so helpless suddenly. That... that wasn’t how that was supposed to go.

Evan slumped to the floor and leaned against his bed, his head in his hands. God, he was stupid thinking he could become... _friends_ ... with someone that quickly. And with Connor Murphy of all people? When they met in the library Evan felt a butterfly of hope flutter through his chest that maybe they’d make a connection, maybe it wasn’t too late in life for him to have found someone who liked him enough to spend time with him. And well, when Connor asked him to sit for a portrait... it’s had seemed like maybe that’s what Connor wanted to. But no. Evan was a fool and he smacked his forehead with the palms of his hands. No one liked him. No one would. And if he had a chance with Connor it felt as far away as the moon now.

Maybe... he felt his throat tighten... maybe it wasn’t too late. He had Connor’s number didn’t he? Evan grabbed the notebook from earlier with Connor's phone number and the piece of paper Connor had written it down on. Perhaps he should text him? It felt too soon though... that would look desperate. Evan tossed it aside and it floated down onto the sketchbook Connor had left. Why had he done that? He did it so casually, like it didn’t matter at all. Evan picked it up and flipped through it again. He looked at each page intently, mesmerized by the quality and skill that created each drawing. He couldn’t believe Connor would care so little for what he could do. Evan grabbed a pencil and carefully chose a page, scribbling out a note on the ivory paper.

Someday, he’d find a way to tell Connor what he really thought.

   
  


 

 

 

 


	3. III

Connor went back to his dorm, and he wasn’t surprised at all to find his roommate wasn’t there. He rarely was. He didn’t like Connor, probably due to all of the rumors and how hard to handle Connor could sometimes be- at least around people who didn’t understand him at all and didn’t get how hard he struggled some of the time- and he was really only in their dorm at night when he had to sleep.

•

Jared was out a lot too, but he actually tolerated Evan and talked with him pretty regularly, even if he was a little harsh for Evan sometimes. “Sup, Evangreen,” he teased as he swung the door of their dorm open. “What are you doing?” He asked as he saw Evan writing something in a notebook. “Wow, _moleskin_ notebook? Pretentious, much? What’s that for?”

Evan was not pleased to see Jared. He was rarely pleased to see Jared, actually. “It’s nothing,” Evan said frantically, slamming it shut and sliding it under his bed. The last thing he needed was to give more fuel to Jared’s rants about Connor Murphy. “A...gift. What were you out so late doing?” Evan picked up the two bowls of food and placed them in the mini fridge, hiding them from Jared’s view. Really he always did show up at the worst, worst times. “You always leave such a mess when you go out,” Evan complained.

" _I_ leave a mess?” Jared asked, raising his eyebrows. “Okay, Mr. Bowls-Lying-All-Over-The-Place,” he said as he saw Evan putting two bowls into the fridge. “Who was over? I know you aren’t saving that for me, you’re not that nice,” Jared said as he sat down on his own bed. Really, Evan just didn’t save food for Jared whenever he made any because Jared was pretty picky and ended up bringing home pizza or a sub or something from work anyway. “So, who was it? The same person that notebook’s for? Who is this sudden love interest, Hansen? Huh?”

“Oh my god, Jared, please,” Evan was glad for the distraction of cleaning up the food to hide his crimson cheeks. After he composed himself he turned around to face Jared. His hands began moving wildly as he talked, a clear sign of his anxiety in socially...awkward situations. “This is _College_ Jared. People study with other people. We have a group assignment for astronomy, and I had someone over to study,” Evan lied. He hated to admit it but lying had always been Evan’s greatest fault, and it sadly came easy to him. He did it compulsively, whether there was reason to lie or not. “And yeah, sure, I don’t leave food for you but I’m a decent human being to other people sometimes you know!” Evan’s face burned, ignoring Jared’s stab at his love life. And his non-existent love life, at that. 

Jared just laughed. He found this whole thing beyond amusing. “Yeah, okay,” he said. He didn’t believe Evan’s lies at all. “Never thought the day would come when you have a booty call over while I’m at work.” Jared knew for a fact that Evan didn’t have a friends-with-benefits kind of thing with anyone, but teasing him was just too much fun. Jared was always teasing him, always pushing him, always relishing in whenever Evan got worked up and flustered. He just found it amusing.

“A _what_? Oh never mind, just... I’m going to get ready for bed.” Evan grabbed his bathroom bag and headed down the hall to the showers, where he spent a good 35 minutes trying not to think about Jared or Connor or anything at all, really. After he brushed his teeth he made his way back to the dorm and crawled into bed. He wanted to read but he didn’t want Jared to find any other excuse to ask more questions. The most important thing was that he never find out it was Connor Murphy, or else Evan would never hear the end of it.

Jared just nodded, but the second Evan left the dorm he was up and searching under Evan’s bed for the notebook. He was just curious, that’s all! He wanted to know what he was writing and who he was writing it to. He didn’t even get to Evan’s note because he just flipped through the pages, and most of his attention went to the front cover: ‘ _Connor Murphy cmurphy13@gmail.com if found, draw or write something on a blank page before returning._ ’

Jared couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe it at all. When Evan was back, that’s the first thing he asked.

" _Connor Murphy?”_ Jared shrieked, looking over at the notebook that he left on Evan’s bed. “ _Connor_... _Murphy_? Are you _serious_?”

Well that plan went out the window, Evan thought. “Well thank you for invading all privacy I never had in this dorm,” Evan rolled his eyes but his cheeks were burning. “So it’s Connor. Big deal. He exists. We all can’t hide from him forever."

“I care because he’s _weird_. He’s just weird. Since when did you talk to him?” Jared asked. He himself had never actually talked to Connor, but he had enough gossip about him to last a year. “I know you won’t listen to me, but seriously, don’t get involved with him. He’s just-...he’s just off. You can’t deny that, it’s just a fact. Have you heard all those things about him? He’s almost always high or drunk, he does all these crazy things, he’s just bad news.”

Sure, Connor drank and smoked, but it wasn’t every day. And yeah, he was impulsive and made bad decisions, but he didn’t know why his mistakes and bad decisions were focused on so much more than everyone else’s. A lot of the rumors came from things he did due to mental illness- like the story of him breaking into the mess hall one night because he was drunk and having a bad manic episode and wanted food, or the story of him going to Italy with his TA over winter break, which he did because he needed a break from his normal world so badly, also the reason why he disappeared for two weeks last semester. There were dozens of stories that went around during that time, but he was really just renting out a motel room and laying in bed, waiting out the bad depressive episode until he could go back to school and function again. Connor hated being so unstable, and hearing the rumors and being attacked and made fun of and talked for his actions just embarrassed him and made him so ashamed. Most of it was out of his control, so to have those events be his reputation was embarrassing and just a constant reminder of his struggles, and it was pretty terrible. He just couldn’t escape no matter how hard he tried.

Evan grabbed the notebook protectively and slid it into his backpack. “What do you care?" he snapped at Jared. "You just want more stories to fuel your rumors.” Evan didn’t want to have this conversation with Jared right now, and sometimes he just lost it. “News Flash, Jared!” Evan said throwing up his arms. “ _I’m_ weird too! I’m _off_. I’m the farthest thing from normal ever. Maybe for one second you can just attribute it to me trying to be nice for once. I’ll never see him again, anyway. He... left and made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want to talk to me again. He... listen just you’re right. I won’t get involved, okay? Just... just give me the benefit of the doubt for once.” Evan didn’t want to believe all the stories and rumors that Jared filled his head with, but they always nagged at him, and today, yeah, he’ll admit he tried to read into Connor to see what was true and what was not. He didn’t get anywhere. And maybe Jared was right.

Why try to solve an unsolvable puzzle?

Jared backed off a little and held his hands up defensively. “Alright, alright. Just giving you a warning.” He didn’t like Connor. He didn’t know him, didn’t know how intelligent and down to earth and unique and interesting and nice he really was, but he knew he didn’t like him. He just got a weird vibe from him and didn’t give him a chance.

Jared left the conversation at that and didn’t bring it up again. And the next day when Connor seemed even more off-putting and isolated than usual, it was really no surprise. Connor was feeling so embarrassed and ashamed and stupid, like he let his walls down for once just to be treated like he usually did, and he was just feeling awful. He got into these moods sometimes, and the way people reacted never helped. Instead of asking what was wrong, asking if they could help, people just avoided him like the plague. Or worse, they came up with excuses- ‘did you see Connor today? He was totally tripping on something’ ‘Dude I think he was out all night, I swear Holly said she saw him near Denny’s, I wouldn’t doubt it’ ‘maybe he was with someone’ ‘I bet he’s into some weird shit’.

Connor hated it.

When he was in a bad mood everyone just made it even worse and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. He couldn’t even enjoy drawing because he kept thinking about his project and his stupid he had been about it. He just trudged through all of his classes, trying to just get through the day before he could go back to his dorm.

 


	4. IV

Evan didn’t sleep well that night.

He tossed and turned with weird dreams where nothing and everything seemed to be happening. He saw Connor’s face but it was never really him. His face was just on a million other different people. When he woke up, Evan felt even more exhausted than he had the night before. His under eyes were puffy and little dark crescent moons smiled at him. Evan sighed as he left for classes that day, hoping to have an uneventful day. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen as he bumped into Alana Beck in the cafeteria. Alana was almost as bad as Jared when it came to knowing everyone’s business but what made it different was that she acted more sincere about it. Evan was behind her in one of the food kiosk lines and she was focused on a conversation she was having with the girl in front of her.

“Connor Murphy was in my Lit class last year,” Alana said. “We were pretty close acquaintances, but then he started getting really aloof and now I don’t know what’s up anymore.” Evan scoffed without thinking and Alana whipped her head around. “Did you say something?” She asked pointedly.

“Oh no,” Evan said. “S-sorry, just... you mentioned Connor was a friend of yours?”

“Acquaintance,” Alana corrected. She turned back to her companion. “See, he’s over there, staring at us!”

Evan looked in the direction she was pointing but Evan was pretty sure Connor wasn’t looking at the two girls, as his and Evan’s eyes locked instantly upon finding each other.

Connor didn’t mean to stare. He genuinely was just spacing out; he started by just watching the way Alana leaned towards the girl and he knew she was speaking about someone or something gossip related, and when Evan spoke up Connor knew it was about him, and then he started spacing out and worrying about that and by the time he got his attention back, Evan caught him looking and looked right back at him.

Connor looked away immediately.

That alone wasn’t enough, though. He had been eating lunch and working on a philosophy assignment, but he closed his notebook and shoved it into his bag before leaving the dining hall. He just needed Evan to know he wasn’t staring, know he wasn’t being creepy, and the only way he could think of doing that and avoiding confrontation was to just leave.

Evan was glad he didn’t have his tray of food yet as he would have dropped it to the ground. He excused himself hurriedly from the line and rushed off after Connor, walking as fast as possible without actually running. He was already drawing attention to himself, he didn’t need to cause a scene by running full out.

He burst through the door that Connor had exited from. “Connor?” He saw a figure disappear around a corner. Shit, he was fast. Why was he avoiding him? Evan followed around the next two turns, trying to stay close but it was hard. He was short and also not use to... physical exertion.

“Connor!” He yelled again, picking up speed. Evan came around a last turn that led them outside and suddenly, he was gone. Connor practically vanished into thin air. “Dammit,” Evan cursed. This was turning out harder than he thought it would be.

Connor heard someone following him so he kept his eyes locked forward, kept walking as fast as he could. He knew Evan would give up after a few turns, and he was right. Of course he was right. Of course Evan would give up; he wasn’t worth the trouble, and Evan definitely wouldn’t put the effort in to chase him down. He just wasn’t worth it. Connor knew that for a fact. Once he was outside of the dining hall he sat down, leaning against the building as he sat in the grass. It was quiet out there so he decided to just stay there. No one really hung out around the dining hall, so he was safe there for now. He just needed time by himself, time away from everything. What he really needed was someone to talk to, someone to help him feel better, but he didn’t have that so isolation was the second best option.

Evan Iooked around for a moment, didn’t see any sign of anyone, so decided to head back to the dining hall. He decided to go around the back way, and that’s when he saw him, leaning up against the building.

Evan tried not to run, afraid he would scare Connor away, but he managed to waltz up to him casually. “Hey,” he said with a soft smile. “Sorry I... if I startled you... following you um... can I...sit?” Evan pointed to the ground next to Connor.

Connor looked up as he saw someone walking over to him, and he felt like he just deflated even more. “Why?” He asked. He wasn’t trying to sound angry, wasn’t trying to sound snappy, he just didn’t understand why Evan could possibly want to sit with him. “I don’t have the drawing done yet, if that’s what you’re asking about. I can try to get it done by the end of the week, but it’s not due until next week so I’ll probably do it last minute.” He was positive that that’s all Evan wanted to talk to him about, that that’s the only reason Evan was pretending to like him.

Evan slumped to the ground and threw down his backpack. “Hey look, I’m not here about the drawing okay? Of course I’d still love a copy considering you drew it and I...I’d like to have something to remind me of you...I mean like... cause you’re a good artist or...um,” Evan cleared his throat and looked the other direction till he composed his thoughts. “Um no I’m here to make sure we’re okay.” Evan looked back at Connor. “When you left my dorm after you finished well it felt... like I’d done something to upset you? I know I can do that... I’m an...uncomfortable person... so I just wanted to make sure I didn’t offend you or anything cause I’d hate for us to be on bad terms.”

Connor didn’t know why any of this mattered to Evan. Even if he _was_ upset with him, which he wasn’t, what did it matter to Evan? “No, it’s fine,” he told him. “And I mean, honestly, I know what this is all about, like you don’t have to try to do this,” he said with a chuckle, though it was humorless, almost sad. “I know you probably just agreed because you’re too nice not to or because you wanted a free portrait or something, and that’s fine. It doesn’t matter if ‘we’re okay’ or anything. You don’t have to fake it. Trying to find someone and go through that whole process was just so fucking stupid. No one else is doing that because they have real _friends_ and shit to draw, I should’ve just googled someone and used a stock image or something, this whole thing was just so fucking _stupid_. You don’t have to pretend to be my friend or anything, that’s not what this about. I’ll just get you the portrait when it’s done.”

Connor kept staring ahead at the grass as he spoke, not looking at Evan one bit. He just couldn’t stand to look at him while opening up and being honest and confronting like that.

Evan was left speechless. He let the two of them sit in silence for a good minute before he could even think of anything to say. Eventually he managed to stand up, and he turned around to face Connor dead on before he left.

“Everything you just assumed about me was wrong,” Evan said fiercely, but not angrily. “I know what it’s like to push people away. You don’t think you’re worth it. I get that. I feel that too. But you’ll never know, will you, unless you give it a shot.” Evan reached in his bag and grabbed the sketchbook Connor had given him the other day. He threw it at his feet. “You should keep this,” Evan said breathless. His heart rate was picking up and he felt an anxiety attack simmering under the surface. “It’s _really_ good. I mean it.”

Evan thought about the note inside the book. The ‘leave a drawing’ thing before you give it back. He hadn’t drawn anything actually, but he did leave a note. Evan sighed. Connor wouldn’t probably even read it. He’d toss the book in the trash. Evan started to walk off but he stopped once more and turned around.

“Don’t believe me if you don’t want to, but if you ever need anyone who listens, I’m here.” Evan left then, really left, and headed for his next class. He couldn’t stop thinking about his note and how he hoped it would come across the right way, if Connor even got a chance to see it. It had his number, for one, and below it read “ _I think you have potential. I hope you never give up. I’d like to say I knew you one day.“_

Connor kept staring at the grass in front of him instead of at Evan as he spoke, especially as he felt his throat getting tighter. By the time Evan stood up to leave he had his eyes closed, and by the time he left he had tears rolling down his cheeks. When Connor got upset he either blew up, or he shut down and remained as still as possible and tried not to let any emotion show or show how it was affecting him. He sat as still as he could, even held his breath, stayed as held together and unaffected as possible. It was like a possum playing dead when confronted with danger, Connor shut down and remained still and tried to just hold himself together and bottle everything in to avoid blowing up and letting his emotions out. He couldn’t look at the notebook, he couldn’t do anything but just sit there, eyes closed, diaphragm and chest contracting and shaking as he tried to hold his breath and hold his tears, every breath coming out slow and calculated as he tried to keep it all in. He didn’t even know why it all just suddenly hit him, but it did. And god, did he hope no one found him over here because he could just imagine the words whispered around campus-

_‘I saw Connor Murphy today at the dining hall, he was just sitting with his eyes closed and he was crying and it was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen, I have no idea what he was on but it has to be something heavy.’_


	5. V

Connor pulled himself together enough to get back to his dorm where he could be a mess in peace. Once he was feeling stable enough he flipped through his notebook, just to see if Evan added anything. And he was honestly surprised to find that he did. Connor had no idea how to react to it. He knew he should say something, but he had no idea what. It took him a few minutes to type in Evan’s number and convince himself to text him, but eventually he did. And even when he did he still just sent simply ‘ _thanks_.’ He didn’t bother giving his name or anything like that; surely Evan would know who it was and what it meant. Connor didn’t want to open himself up even more than he already had, but at least texting back once was a good sign.

_

Evan was glad to get back to his dorm at the end of the day. It felt like the past 48 hours lasted 2 years by the weight of all the emotion he felt. He tried his hardest to work on his assignments, but it was slow going. It took him 3 hours to finish a paper he had already started when in reality it should have taken less than one. He eventually closed his laptop and laid his head down on the desk. All he could ask himself over and over was where had he gone wrong with Connor Murphy. And why was he so intent on fixing it?

Evan heard his phone buzz and managed to look up from his position of moping. He grabbed it and saw it was an unknown number, but he knew it was Connor. He took his phone with him as he laid down on the bed and held it in front of his face. He poised to text but never managed to send anything back. After a good twenty minutes he simply held the phone over his chest and sighed. It was a start. And he’d take it. And he’d never forget this moment when Connor Murphy actually said thanks to _him_ like maybe, just maybe, he mattered to him.

-

Connor wasn’t expecting Evan to answer, but part of him was hoping he would. Part of him was hoping Evan would answer and they’d become friends, but no. Evan probably read his message and thought it was creepy, or had no idea who it was from, or didn’t care at all about Connor’s ‘ _thanks_ ’. And if he knew it was Connor, he probably thought it was weird or lame or stupid that he was texting him that. And now Connor was embarrassed all over again. He shouldn’t have texted him. It’s clear that he didn’t want to talk to him, didn’t care about him or anything other than the portrait and keeping his reputation of being a good kid. That’s probably the only reason why Evan tried to fix things between them both, so Connor wouldn’t go around talking bad about him. All of the niceness was just damage control, Connor realized. He just stayed laying in his bed, burying himself under his blankets, just wanting to forget about all of this.

However fate had it, turns out Evan didn’t see Connor for another two weeks. Evan simply couldn’t muster the courage to text him, they didn’t share any classes, and he just didn’t see him anywhere around campus. He wanted to ask someone if Connor was okay, but the only person he could think of who would know was Jared and that was the last thing Evan wanted to strike up a conversation about with Jared. There didn’t seem to be any way around it besides texting Connor himself, so when he got done with classes that afternoon, Evan sat down at a small picnic table on the greens under a large, shaded tree, and got out his phone. He scrolled to Connor’s number and opened the message. There still sat his ‘thanks’ from what seemed like forever ago now.

“Here goes nothing,” Evan whispered to himself under his breath. He sent a single, solitary “ _Hey_.”

Connor lost all hope of any kind of friendship with Evan. He waited and waited for him to text back, to call, to find him around campus, but nothing. Connor knew for certain now that Evan wanted nothing to do with him, nothing at all.

When he got the text from Evan, he almost laughed. He did, in fact. It was dry, but it was a laugh nonetheless. It’s been two weeks, and Evan must be getting impatient now. Connor got the portrait all done, he was just waiting for his professor to pass him the canvas back. Most people opted for sketches, but Connor’s always liked painting better so he just cut a canvas off of the wooden supports so he could pass it in with all the other papers. Connor didn’t reply to Evan’s text for another three days, not until he got the portrait back. ‘ _I have the painting done I’ll just drop it off at your room_ ’ Connor replied back. He knew Evan wouldn’t want to see him, wouldn’t want to talk to him, wouldn’t want to know the reasoning behind his color and detail choices, so he was just going to drop it off. Connor didn’t want it anyway.

That’s not what Evan wanted; not what he wanted Connor to say or what he wanted to happen. But he knew that getting Connor’s attention would require a different approach than what he had normally done with other people his whole life. So he texted him back and said “ _just knock when you get here_.” While he waited for Connor to show up - not knowing if it would be soon or not, he just decided to prepare in advance - he grabbed his sneakers and slipped them on, as well as a light jacket to throw over his polo. Then he sat on his bed to read a bit while he tried to ignore his racing heart.

Connor didn’t want to show up right away, so he waited a few minutes before walking over. He didn’t want to seem too eager, didn’t want to let on to how badly he wanted this to work. Part of him was hoping that things would miraculously change, but most of him knew they wouldn’t. When he got to Evan’s dorm he knocked, even though he just wanted to drop the painting and leave. He had it held in his hand, holding it by the corner where there was no paint, not really caring for it or holding it gently, as if he wasn’t holding a beautiful piece of art. He just saw it as a dumb school assignment, not even good, something to be embarrassed about. He honestly couldn’t wait to get rid of it.

Evan’s heart practically flew out of his chest at the knock. His breath stopped and he got up, hands shaking slightly as he went to the door. This could go one of two ways, Evan knew, either Connor would be offended at his disinterest in the painting or relieved. Evan opened the door and couldn’t help but smile at Connor. It felt so good to see him, to know he was still here, around. Evan didn’t let his eyes leave Connor’s, even as reached forward when Connor handed him the painting.

Evan took it gently in his hands, not even glancing at it, just still keeping his gaze on Connor. “Thank you,” he said. His eyes flicked to the ceiling then back to Connor, but still he didn’t look at the painting. Instead, still keeping the door open with his foot, he leaned back inside and set it against the wall on the floor. Then he stepped out into the hallway with Connor and shut the door behind them.

“C-Come on,” Evan replied softly. “We’re going somewhere.” This was the risky part, as Evan didn’t say it as a question. It was a statement. And he hoped to god Connor followed him and didn’t just flat out say no.

Connor waited for Evan to look at the painting, since that’s all he wanted Connor for after all, but he didn’t. He looked to the ceiling when Evan did and then looked back down when he saw nothing there, and he had no idea why Evan still wasn’t looking at the painting, but it was really starting to piss him off.

“If you don’t like it or don’t want it just tell me, I-...” Connor started, but was cut off by Evan stepping out into the hallway. He didn’t say anything else, he just stared back at Evan, and when Evan started walking, Connor’s jaw tightened a little before he gave in and followed him.

Evan felt his body sigh with relief as he heard Connor’s footsteps behind him. He turned around as they exited the building to make sure he was still with him, and he was, albeit looking a little pissed.

Understandable.

They walked across campus together, and thankfully there weren’t many people out. Those who were probably didn’t even notice them, or care. Evan hoped Connor didn’t give up and head back, as it was a bit of a walk to where they were headed. They had to circle around behind campus which bordered on a forest, and once the reached the edge, Evan stopped and waited for Connor to come stand beside him. Then Evan turned to him and smiled again, still saying nothing, and headed into the woods.

Connor followed Evan, even though he had no idea where they were going. He just shoved one hand in his pocket, the other holding onto the strap of his bag as he followed behind him.

“What, are you going to murder me in here or something?” he murmured as he followed Evan into the woods. Connor had always loved the woods and the forest, but right now he really just wanted to go back and lock himself in his dorm. He didn’t want to deal with any of whatever Evan had planned. Connor didn’t even know why Evan was bringing him out here.

“No, I’m not planning on doing that,” Evan said, “but don’t tempt me.” Really Evan mostly brought them there to take a walk, but he had already resolved not to ask Connor any ‘personal’ questions, nor talk about why they hadn’t seen or heard from each other. He was simply spending time with him, and if they were going to talk it would be casual, natural conversation.

Eventually Evan settled into the peace of being in nature. His heart slowed down and he smiled softly for no reason. He simply loved being out here. It made him feel like someone else, and it made him so incredibly happy. He thought maybe it would do the same for Connor. Help him feel a little more at peace than Evan assumed he felt on a regular basis. When they had walked for a good 30 minutes, they cut off the path, Evan leading them expertly around the trees. He knew it wasn’t technically safe, going off the trail, but there was one spot he had found that was simply worth the risk. The trees got thicker and thicker until eventually they broke through to a small clearing that led up to a cliff.

It was a soft golden meadow, full of slowly fading sunlight and a light breeze. Evan walked to the edge and sat down, overlooking a lake below, with hills all around the horizon. “This,” he said to Connor, "is my favorite spot ever. I wanted to share it with you.”

Connor followed Evan, and he was about to protest and finally ask where the hell Evan was taking him, but then they broke through the trees into a gorgeous open field and he realized why Evan had dragged him all this way.

“Yeah,” was all Conor could murmur in agreement as he went to sit with Evan. He left enough space that it wasn’t uncomfortable, but not enough that it seemed like he was trying to get away from Evan. He pulled his phone out to take pictures, since he just absolutely needed to draw or paint this and his memory would definitely not do it justice. “How did you even find this?” Connor couldn’t help but ask.

“Well it’s like I said... before... I go off in search of new terrains and unmapped trails. It’s...dangerous, cause you can get lost - that’s why they always assign partners in class for things like that, so at least one other person knows where you’re headed - but it’s worth it, to go alone, because you can find places like this, and keep them all to yourself.” Evan gestured to the horizon. “Plus it’s almost sunset, and that’s just something you don’t want to miss.”

As if on cue, the colors of the sky started to change with each passing minute, creating an array of orange, pink, and purple. It wasn’t always this beautiful, but Evan sent out a thank you to the world for letting it be this marvelous when he had brought Connor. “What do you think?” He asked him.

Connor just kept looking out at the sky, at the grass and field around them, at everything. It was so beautiful, all of it was, and Connor hated that it made his chest stir and his stomach fill with butterflies the way it did, but god, he actually felt...

Happy, almost? 

For once he felt peaceful, in awe of something, appreciative of something, which he hadn’t really felt in a while. “You’re good at making maps and all that, right? You need to make me one so I can come here,” Connor simply said. He needed to come back here again, even if it was an incredibly long walk. It was beyond worth it. “Thank you, for taking me here. I know it’s special and all that, so...thanks for letting me see this.” It was more than just a pretty meadow and Connor knew that. Evan was letting him in, and Connor appreciated that more than Evan could even know.

“Hey no worries,” Evan said turning to Connor. He tentatively put out a hand towards Connor then pulled away slightly before reaching out again, further this time, so he could place it on Connor’s arm. “I need to ask you something,” Evan said, his face grave and serious. “It’s incredibly important to me, and you better think carefully about your answer, because our entire... well, whatever _this_ is that’s going on between us, hinges on it.” He waited a moment for dramatic effect.

“Red licorice, or black licorice?” He tried not to smile and give the joke away.

Connor felt his stomach sinking as Evan started talking like that, and when the question was just about licorice, he wanted to punch Evan. “Neither. Licorice is shit,” he told him. “Reese’s, that’s the best candy. Reese’s, Pretzel M&Ms, and Thin Mints. And those peanut butter snickers. If you like licorice better than any of those we can absolutely not be friends.” He kept a straight face too; this was an incredibly important topic, after all. “If licorice is your favorite candy, I’m sorry, but I’m leaving right now. I’ll push you off that cliff if you say licorice is your favorite candy.”

Evan laughed. He laughed and laughed - a great, genuine laugh - he thought it was so funny.

“No! On my honor I don’t like licorice best!” He held up his hands in mock defense. “Please don’t push me off the cliff, please.” Evan fell over backwards into his back. “I guess I’ll just have to buy you all those different kinds of candy when we go to the movies on Friday.” Evan smiled sheepishly, hoping it didn’t sound...weird, him asking Connor to the movies. Like it sounded like a... Evan sat up abruptly and looked at Connor “like as a friend thing, if you wanna go. I’m going anyway... I always go by myself on Friday nights but it would be nice to have company for once...” Evan blushed madly, embarrassed, though he couldn’t place why exactly he felt that way.

Connor was surprised by the question, but he wasn’t really complaining. He would love to go to the movies with Evan, even if he didn’t want to admit to how excited he got at the thought of it. “Only if we can go to Cabot Cinema,” Connor told Evan, avoiding looking right at him by smiling a little nonetheless, even though he tried to hide it. “Have you ever been there? It’s above a record store downtown and they have couches and pillows and you can sit on the couch or on the ground or wherever you want, it’s really cool actually. We need to go if you’ve never been. Most people haven’t even heard of it before. And they have candy- _good_ candy, not licorice.”

Connor couldn’t get the sound of Evan’s laugh out of his head; it was so bright, so sweet, and Connor didn’t think he was a funny person but god, he’d do anything to make Evan laugh again.

“I haven’t been there,” Evan said. “Sounds like we have to try it. You pick the film, I will watch literally anything.”

Evan got up then, commenting on how it was getting dark and they should probably head back. The walk was peaceful in the slowly dying, evening light, and when they got back to campus, and outside Evan’s dorm building, it was time to say goodbye. 

“Hey thanks for going out there with me,” Evan said. “I’ll make you that map, and then you can go again any time.” Evan leaned in a little then, but not too close, just... close enough. “Although I hope you’ll always invite me to go along, because I’d never say no.” He stepped away then with another smile and said “see you Friday,” before heading inside.

When he got to the 3rd floor, Evan dug in his pockets for this keys, finally allowing himself to be excited at the prospects of seeing Connor’s painting of him. He fumbled with the key and once he finally got the door open he practically dove for the canvas. He flipped it around and gazed at it, astonished. He grabbed his phone immediately, not worrying about what it “looked” like texting Connor again so soon, but he did it anyway. He shot a message that said _your painting... I’m astonished. It’s perfect._ He then shut his phone off and sighed in relief.

He felt so _happy_. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt like this.

Connor had just gotten back into his dorm when he got the text from Evan. It made him smile right away; he had been so worried that Evan wouldn’t like it or that he would think it was stupid or cheesy or ugly or something, so he was so relieved that he liked it.

‘ _thanks. sorry for anything that’s wrong, kinda hard to draw a face I’ve looked at like, once. again, thanks for helping me out with that_ ’ Connor texted back. He got a good grade on the project, and he also had a movie date-...not date, friendly hang out- with Evan on Friday, so he was feeling pretty good.

 _

                                                                                             

 

 


	6. VI

Evan hung the portrait above his bed, taking down the various pictures of his mom and him, some maps, and other various postcards and papers. He tried not to think about what Jared would say when he walked in, because Evan loved the painting and he wanted to show it off. He couldn’t stop thinking about Friday and how excited he was - quite a bummer considering it was still two whole days away. He was already stressing about what he would wear. Can’t dress up because then it’ll feel like a real date, and if he goes too casual it’ll look like he doesn’t care. Also would they buy their own tickets? Evan’s mom had always told him that if one person paid for both peoples food/ticket/etc that meant it was a date. Evan felt like this was a game of strategy and he didn’t want to mess it up and risk losing Connor as a friend or...otherwise.

On the other hand, Connor didn’t think that much into it at all. When they got to the theatre he paid for their tickets and their snacks without a second thought, without even thinking about the connotations behind that and how it might be construed.

“We can sit wherever you want,” Connor said as he walked into the theatre with Evan. There were couches, sectionals, loveseats, recliners in the place of regular theatre seats, and several pillows to sit on up front and between chairs and anywhere you could still see the screen if you chose to sit on the ground instead. People had the freedom to sit wherever and however they wanted, really, and that’s really why Connor loved going there. And it was never too busy, so it was always comfortable. Connor was really trying to ignore how nervous he was, how honestly excited he was to be here with Evan. He just picked at his Reese’s Pieces as he let Evan pick where to sit.

Evan anxiously watched as Connor bought their tickets and candy, relieved that he didn’t have to order, as talking to strangers gave him the worst anxiety. “I’ll pay you back for that,” Evan said, even though he didn’t think Connor heard him. Then Connor told him he could choose their seats and it took him a good 5 minutes to decide. Eventually, Evan landed on a two person sofa towards the back on the right, a little more distant than where other people had chosen to sit. The last thing Evan wanted was someone right behind or in front of them. After they settled in Evan ignored his popcorn for long enough to absentmindedly reach over and grab one of Connor’s Reese’s Pieces. 

“Oh hey these aren’t bad!” he joked, elbowing Connor in the arm. “Hey, so I know next to nothing about you and I think I should learn the important stuff. I already learned,” Evan said, counting off on his fingers, “that your favorite candy are these,” he took another Reese’s with a smile. “And now you need to tell me your favorite color. I’m not going to guess black, even though it’s practically all you wear, ever. Also what is your favorite pizza topping. That’s also extremely important.” Evan kept the questions light, as he had a feeling no one ever bothered to get to _know_ Connor before just assuming things about his life, or jump to asking him the tough things that were more private. Evan wanted to show Connor he cared about _who_ he was, not just the outside things that defined him.

Connor smacked Evan’s hand away from his candy and held the box close to his chest, but he was just joking. A little smile threatened to tug on the corners of his lips. “I actually like white more than I like black,” Connor told Evan when asked about his favorite color. “Pure white is actually one of my favorite colors. That and burgundy, and periwinkle, and that deep forest green color. Black is just a nice color to wear, it’s not actually one of my favorite colors.” Most people just assumed it was, but Connor actually really liked those other colors he mentioned. He just liked wearing black. “I’m boring, I just like cheese. Plain cheese, that’s it. I’ve had pizza with Mac and cheese on it before though, and that was really good, but only as an occasional thing. Now you need to tell me.” It was nice getting to talk to Evan like this, to actually have someone talk to him and be nice to him and genuinely care about getting to know him. Connor hasn’t had that in so long.

“Well I would never have guessed,” Evan teased. “My favorite colors are light blue, and orange, and green.” He almost giggled but he stuffed it because he always thought his laugh made him sound 12. “I’ve had Mac and Cheese pizza too! But my favorite pizza is any with lots and lots of veggies.” Evan shoved a handful of popcorn in his mouth and through his chewing managed to ask “okay what about music? What’s your favorite artist or band? Also....” he had to think. He was running out of questions. “Do you have any siblings? 

Connor nodded as he listened to Evan. His favorite colors made sense; he was glad to hear that, actually, since he used a lot of greens and blues in his painting of Evan, and the lines of the ‘map’ he made in a burnt orange-red. He just got that kind of vibe, that kind of aura from him, and he was glad to know he was right. “I don’t like veggies on my pizza. There’s too many textures and it tastes weird,” Connor argued. “And I don’t really know about a favorite artist or band. It depends on the genre. I have like, several favorites but also several favorite genres, so I can’t just pick one. I really like Radiohead though, I guess, and Chet Baker. I guess they’re my two favorites if I had to choose. What about you?” He took a break from talking so he could steal some of Evan’s popcorn. “I have a sister, she’s a year younger than me. Her name’s Zoe. Do you have any?”

“I like to listen to Sufjan Stevens. And Japanese House. Siblings? No I don’t. I always wished I did. What’s your sister like? Do you two get along?” The movie was about to start then, as everyone sort of hushed down. Evan settled into the sofa more, propping his feet to the side, which naturally made him lean into Connor a bit, their shoulders touching. “Want some popcorn?” Evan whispered, holding out the bucket. Evan was a talker when it came to watching movies, and he was trying so hard not to say anything and just focus, but it was difficult. He looked around a lot, moved a lot, sighed a lot. But he was enjoying himself.

Connor was about to reply, but as if on cue the movie started. “Yeah, that’s a story for another time,” he murmured to him.

Things with his sister were...tense, but they were generally okay. Sometimes. He and Zoe used to be best friends, but once Connor hit high school they just completely broke apart. They were working towards fixing things, but they were still pretty rocky. Connor nodded a little and grabbed some of the popcorn as the movie started. He really didn’t want any, he just wanted a distraction from the way Evan was leaning closer to him. It was making his stomach erupt with butterflies, and he wasn’t used to that and it freaked him out a little, so he just distracted himself with eating the popcorn.

Evan finally settled down a little. The movie was - as much as he would never admit out loud to Connor - a little boring. Maybe it wasn’t boring; maybe he was just distracted. Connor was so close, and the way his hair fell in his face was... well, pretty. Connor was pretty in a unique way. In a way he’d never seen in any one else. Perhaps it was his mysterious personality that made him seem more ... aesthetically pleasing, but whatever it was, Evan wasn’t complaining. He tried to refocus on the movie but it just made him tired and before he knew it he had passed out, his head falling onto Connor’s shoulder.

Connor looked over suddenly as he felt Evan's head fall onto his shoulder, and he was surprised to find he was asleep, or at least very comfortable and with his eyes closed. He was tempted to wake Evan up, but he was also tempted to let him sleep, to wrap his arm around him and let him stay comfortable for the rest of the movie. He settled for a middle ground; he didn't wake Evan up, but he didn't wrap his arm around him either. He let Evan just keep leaning against him until the movie ended. He sat through the credits, definitely not because he wanted to keep Evan close to him, and then finally had to wake Evan up. 

"Hey," Connor murmured, shaking Evan lightly to get him to wake up. "Hey, movie's over." Everyone was already gone, and Connor hoped that Evan didn't mind that he didn't wake him up. He just wanted to enjoy Evan being close to him for as long as possible, because he was positive he'd never get to have that again.

“Oh my god,” Evan was mortified. “I can’t believe I fell asleep. I swear you didn’t bore me!” He yawned. “I’m not tired,” he joked. “Well, definitely not anymore, wanna go get something to eat? I know it’s kind of late so if you want to go home that’s understandable.” Evan didn’t want Connor to go home, and therefore have to go separate ways, but he didn’t want to force his company on Connor more than he already had the last few days.

Connor couldn’t help but chuckle a little, at how sleepy Evan was and at how he tried to deny his sleepiness. “Like, real food or kinda junk food? There’s a place literally right next door, it looks like a 50s diner and they have the best ice cream and fries and stuff. But if you want real food and not a heart attack I’m sure there’s other places we could go.” Connor definitely wanted to stay out later with Evan. It was so fun being with him, having someone actually genuinely interested in him, and he didn’t want it to end yet. Or ever.

“Ice cream sounds amazing,” Evan agreed. They walked next door to the diner and it really was pretty cool. Evan liked any place that had a theme or some sort of era vibe it was trying to imitate. Evan was rather hungry so he ordered a burger and fries and a milkshake but managed to eat it relatively slow so he didn’t _look_ like someone who always stuffed themselves. “So...” Evan felt nervous, like he couldn’t let them run out of topics to talk about otherwise they’d never go out because Connor would get bored and never want to see him again. “What’s your story? Like... where did you grow up and what’s your family like blah blah blah.” Evan smiled, taking a sip of his shake.

Connor got the same thing, getting an oreo shake instead of Evan's vanilla one. He made fun of Evan for picking such a boring flavor, but that didn't stop him from putting his straw in Evan's shake to steal a sip. He didn't want to use Evan's straw, since that just felt too intimate and weird.

"I grew up a little over a half hour outside of Portland. I already told you I have a sister, so it was her and our parents, who surprisingly aren't divorced yet, but that's another story." His parents were constantly fighting, constantly arguing, and that's a big part of why Connor was so ready to just leave and go to college. He didn't really know what he wanted to do, but he knew he wanted to get out of that house as soon as he could.

"Yeah. It's kind of a mess at home most of the time honestly, which is why I stay at school most of the time or go out on some vacation during the breaks." During the breaks most students went back home to their families, which Connor did once a year for Christmas, but every other break he either stayed at school or got a motel somewhere and just avoided going back home. Things were getting a little better with his sister, probably because they didn't have to deal with each other as often so they could tolerate each other more, but when he got back it was like he was just walking right into the same shitshow he left, and he just hated going back there. He's tried fixing things with his family, but it never seemed to work, and they always blamed it on him. _He_ was the reason why the family was the way it was. Not the favoritism played by his parents, not the pressure they put on Zoe, not the way they totally bashed and ostracized Connor, not their arguing, not the way they were so unhappy together, it was all Connor, and it had been like that for years. Ever since middle school, since Connor turned about 13 and started getting worse, all of his family's problems were put on him. That was a terrible weight to carry around, and it's been on him for years. But he just tried not to think about that too much.

“Oh.” Evan suddenly felt bad for asking. It sounded like Connor didn’t really _want_ to talk about that, or remember it at all. “Sorry I didn’t mean to bring something up that’s...painful.” He lost a bit of his appetite then, over guilt that he upset Connor. The only way Evan knew to cope with that was to mention his own problems. “My Dad left my mom and I when I was young. Almost too young to remember. Not too young to understand though.” Evan scoffed. “I’ve always assumed it was my fault, from that moment on. Like I wasn’t worth loving, or that I did something wrong that made him want to leave. Like... like my existing made him want to leave. Screwed up way to think but sometimes the most powerful emotions are the most irrational ones, huh?” Evan felt depressed. Here he was looking for someone to make him feel better, forget his anxiety and his boring life and his dad who had left and his mom who had to work 24/7 because of it, and then turns out Connor was just as messed up as he was, thanks to his family. Maybe they could help each other...

Or maybe they’d make each other worse.

"I don't mind talking about it," Connor shrugged as he ate another one of his fries. He really didn't care talking about a lot of emotional things, honestly. Most people would assume that Connor would be closed off and secretive, and with some things he was, or he was when people tried digging in too deep into a topic. But just talking about sensitive topics? He didn't mind that at all. "See, I'm the same, but opposite. My parents should've gotten divorced a long time ago, but they didn't because of me. They said they didn't want to do that to me and Zoe, wanted to wait until we got out of school and stuff, so they stayed together even though they literally hate each other. I haven't seen them even hug or look at each other in a nice way in years. I can't remember the last time they've even made each other smile, honestly; even on holidays and anniversaries it's all perfunctory, it's all just telling the other what they want, getting it, opening it with blank faces and a mandatory "thank you" and that's it. I literally told them one time to get a divorce, and they said they would've had it not been for us. And you'll probably say "well it's not you, they're doing it for Zoe too," and yeah, well, not really. And you can say they're joking about this, but I don't think they are; we were having a dinner party once and I was little, maybe 8 or 9, and they were talking about having kids and stuff. My mom said they had gotten the nursery painted pink, bought all cute girls clothes and stuff, were totally ready for it to be a girl, they wouldn't even look at ultrasounds because they were so sure. They had always wanted a girl and were certain they were having one. So when _I_ came out, imagine how surprised they were. 'We just had to try again, so we had Zoe 10 months later!'" Connor said in a mocking voice of his mother.

He let out a little laugh. "Yeah, so, I was basically the kid they never wanted so they had to try again and got Zoe, and she's been the favorite ever since. So yeah, they stayed together for her, but they probably never would've been upset or would've had any troubles or arguments or anything had it not been for me. But whatever, that's just my thoughts on it." He didn't want to be too much of a downer, but Evan was talking so openly about this, so he figured he could, and should, too. 

Evan sighed. He felt the weight of the injustice that a parent would ever be so biased on their children. “They should have been happy to have you _and_ Zoe. I’m sorry, that’s so messed up.” Evan frowned. “Well for the record, I’m glad they had you cause that means we got to meet and so far it’s turning out to be pretty good by my standards.” He smiled and was tempted to wink, but thought that would be... too much. 

“When I was in high school...” Evan started, “the summer before my senior year... I... I was interning at a state park. And one day... I just felt so lonely and hopeless. I... I climbed to the top of this very tall tree, and I... I let go. I guess it wasn’t high enough cause I just ended up breaking my arm. But I remember sitting there on the ground, cradling it as I tried to breathe through the pain and I thought... I thought how I wished I had someone who cared about me enough to come find me. Come get me, and make sure I was okay as I sat in the hospital all alone and they fixed me up.” Evan laughed but he didn’t know why. It was a sarcastic laugh, one almost choked with tears, which just embarrassed him more. “There was no one, of course, so I just stood up, and walked myself and my fucking, stupid broken arm to the ranger’s office and he drove me to the hospital in silence. Ever since I met you... well I think, now maybe there’s someone who would care if I... got hurt or not.” Evan smiled half heartedly at Connor. “Sorry that was... I don’t really know why I told you all that. That’s putting a lot of pressure on you. I guess you’re just easy to talk to.” Evan busied himself with a fry and tried to look away so Connor wouldn’t see his eyes glass over with water.

Connor listened to Evan, but he didn’t stare at him as he talked. He kept picking at his fries and took another sip of his shake, but he looked over at Evan just every once and a while so he knew he was listening. He didn’t want Evan to feel like he wasn’t listening, but didn’t want to stare and make him uncomfortable.

When Evan was done, he spoke up. “Thanks for telling me,” was the first thing he said. Connor knew how hard it was to reveal stuff like that, so he was grateful that Evan trusted him with such a thing. “I _would_ care if that happened, for the record. I get it. I mean, mine’s not so poetic; the first time mom found me staining the bathtub, second and third were pills, but I was always found and stopped before it worked, so. Here I am,” he said with a tiny chuckle before taking another sip of his drink. His first suicide attempt was when he was 13, but his mom found him before he had time to bleed out. The second attempt was when he was 16, then another when he was 18, and between those were countless times where he wasn’t intentionally trying to die, but he very easily could’ve and wouldn’t have cared if he did. Those three are just the ones where he set out with a definitive plan to kill himself. “My-...this part’s funny, y’know what my dad said when I woke up the hospital the first time? First thing he said, first thing was ‘I’m taking money out of your bank account to get the bathtub cleaned.’ First thing. 13 years old and I just tried to off myself and that’s the first thing he said to me. That about sums him up.”

Larry wasn’t a villain. He wasn’t completely evil, it wasn’t like that. He was just terrible in serious situations, in emotional situations, in situations like his child trying to kill himself, so his walls went up and he got defensive and angry as a protective move. But that’s no excuse, because that’s how he got whenever he was confronted with anything. Angry, defensive, blaming anyone but himself, distant- God, did he get distant. Cynthia was crying and crying and crying when she found Connor all the way to when he woke up, and Larry didn’t shed a tear. He was just worried about the bathtub; that was easier to worry about than his suicidal son. That could be fixed with money, Connor couldn’t, even though Larry tried. He tried getting Connor therapists and any help they could get, but he never made any attempts to actually fix his relationship with Connor or Cynthia or Zoe, so when Connor was still struggling, he thought it was the therapists fault and just called it all off, claiming it was a waste of money. Well, two later suicide attempts beg to differ. “But no, really, I would care if anything happened to you, I guess. So...I don’t know, if you need anything, just call or text or whatever,” he shrugged as he looked at his fries instead, finishing off his burger. He didn’t want to get too mushy, but he really did care for Evan, even if they’ve only known each other for a little while.

Evan smiled. He felt special for once in his life and he didn’t want to lose that feeling, ever, even when Connor was gone because really, Connor would get bored or annoyed with him like everyone else and then he’d only have the memory of him in the end.

“Thanks,” Evan told him. “Same to you. You can call or text or whatever any time.” Their conversation died down then, and it turned to more casual topics of movies and books and school. Eventually Evan said they should probably head back, and Connor walked him back to his dorm. “Hey thanks for tonight. It was nice to spend my Friday night not alone for once.”

Connor nodded a little and gave Evan a small smile. “Yeah, no problem,” he assured him. “Thanks for inviting me to your weekly movie night. If you wanna hang out again, no pressure, but...but just text me, whatever.” He could feel himself getting awkward so he gave a wave to Evan before leaving and going back to his own dorm.

Once he turned away and was out of Evan’s sight a big smile pulled onto his lips before he could stop it. He just felt happy, truly happy for the first time in forever.

 


	7. VII

Evan didn’t hear the end of it from Jared for weeks.

Jared tried to convince him not to go hang out with Connor Murphy anymore because people were talking about it and "goddammit Evan do you want to be associated with that freak?" But Evan would just shake his head and sigh because Jared didn’t get it. He didn’t get what it meant to be this happy to finally have some to talk to and be with and not feel so stupidly alone.

One particularly nice, warm afternoon, Evan texted Connor during his 11:30 a.m. class. “ _Hey how does skipping class this afternoon sound to go to the lookout?”_  That’s What Evan had started referring to his special spot as, since calling it _his_ special spot anymore felt wrong considering it was now _their_ spot. “ _you can bring your sketchbook and I can work on my maps?”_

Connor was already planning on texting Evan later that day, so when he got the text he immediately replied.

 _"meet you at our regular spot in 10_  ", Connor texted back. Whenever they went together they always met at the student rec building and walked into the woods that way because that was just a good spot to meet at. Connor’s class ended at 12 anyway, so he got up and left. Missing the last half hour wouldn’t kill him. He’d much rather go to their spot with Evan. He always had multiple sketchbooks on him at any given time, so he was ready. Connor went to the student rec center and waited happily for Evan to show up too.

Evan met up with Connor about 12:30. “Hey sorry I hope you didn’t wait too long. I had to ask my professor a question on an assignment and he always rushes out after.” They started to head off on their walk to the woods and Evan swung his bag from side to side as they went. This day was truly turning out to be perfect. He only had one class that morning, and it was a late one, the sun was shining, the weather was warm, and Connor was here, and Connor was his friend, and Connor looked...

Well, he thought he’d tell him as much.

“Hey,” Evan bumped into Connor as they walked. “You look good today. Your hair looks extra soft.” Evan had been dying recently to run his fingers through it but wouldn’t dare impose. It seemed like the kind of thing that might set Connor off if done at the wrong moment. “I brought some snacks for when we get there, have a little picnic,” Evan changed the topic quickly. His bag was bulging, actually. He brought grapes and chips and water and lemonade. He liked to make any day a special occasion.

Connor started walking with Evan, and he was surprised by the compliment, but flattered as well. "Thanks, I actually brushed it for once," he said with a little chuckle. running his hands through it just the way Evan was dying to. He had no idea that Evan liked his hair so much; he was completely oblivious to it. "Oh really? Awesome, because I haven't had anything to eat yet today. My alarm didn't go off so I woke up like, 10 minutes before class." Connor wasn't a morning person, especially when he was being rushed like he was this morning. So a picnic definitely sounded nice; it already sounded nice, a picnic with Evan in their clearing on such a nice day, but on an empty stomach it sounded even better.

When they got to the clearing, Evan threw himself and his things down on the ground. “Okay we’ve got grapes, chips, and lemonade.” He tossed them towards Connor who looked grateful for the food. Evan then pulled out his map charting supplies, set them all out in front of him, and laid down on his stomach, propped up on his elbows so he could study. A soft breeze picked up and the grass around him floated about. It was picturesque. His blonde curls fluttered in front of his eyes and no matter how much he tried to brush them away, it was no use, and eventually he gave up, frustrated. Before he knew it almost an hour had gone by and he hadn't even once looked up to say anything to Connor.

Connor set himself down near Evan and the food and took out his sketchbook. He'd already sketched and painted and drawn and chalked this area countless times before, and Evan was much more interesting- and beautiful- anyway. Connor would never admit it, but he loved drawing Evan and really wished he could get Evan to sit for him more. He always felt weird drawing him without him knowing, but now was an exception. He just looked so beautiful and Connor couldn't help himself. He had his colored pencils on him so he started working on that, just a simple drawing of Evan and his map charting supplies and the field and sun and sky around him. It was an amazing, beautiful drawing, but Connor still didn't think he did Evan any justice. He would've done more, but he didn't think he could get it any better, definitely not near how beautiful and at peace Evan looked right now, so he tore the page from his notebook and handed it to Evan.

"Here," Connor said casually, as if he hadn't spent over an hour just sitting there drawing Evan. "It's kinda bad but... not in the mood to draw more trees right now."

Evan finally looked up when Connor spoke and handed him the drawing. He took it with a soft smile and then that smile widened when he saw what Connor had drawn. “Oh my god, Connor!” Evan said quietly. “It’s so good. This is beautiful. But I do have one complaint. I don’t think,” he said pointing at the page, “I’m as pretty as you drew me.” Evan handed it back to Connor. “You can have that back,” Evan said. “So you have something to look at and remember me. You can’t keep giving me all your drawings of me, or else you’ll get lonely,” Evan teased. He liked to make Connor smile, it was contagious.

“Hey, look at this,” Evan said motioning Connor closer, so they could both lean over the map. “What do you think of this mountain range?” Evan pointed toward the horizon. “Do you think I charted it far enough away or is it closer than that? Also I determined from the outlying terrain that there is probably another outcropping of trees beyond that hill.” Evan geeked out a little when it came to his map making but around Connor he felt comfortable that he wasn’t going to judge him for it.

"Really? I thought I was having the opposite problem," Connor said as Evan said he drew him prettier than he really was. He tried really hard not to blush as he said that. "I don't want it back, you can keep it. I don't need any more of my drawings. I have sketchbooks full of them, I'm more than happy to get rid of them." After handing Evan the drawing back, Connor leaned over to look at his map. "No, that looks good to me," Connor said, and he couldn't help but smile as Evan nerded out over his map and the potential of another outcropping. "How about we go explore then?" Connor suggested. He was down for an adventure, and why not go see if there was another new site for them to draw and map and spend time in?

“Hmmm,” Evan thought. “Yeah we could. I’ve got my compass and gps so we should be okay. And I’ve got my mapping graph paper. Yeah let’s go! We can leave our stuff here if you don’t want to carry it all? Like I said no one comes here so we should be safe.” Evan stood up and brushed the dirt off his khakis, then helped Connor up. They wandered off towards the hills to their right, going carefully down a steep trail that led around the side. This part always made Evan nervous, it was so easy to slip and the drops could be pretty far. He felt his heart rate pick up and had to slow down a bit.

“I...I feel a little light headed...” Even said. His hands were shaking and he held onto the rocks as they went, trying to stay calm, and make sure Connor was managing alright behind him. “You okay?”

Connor went along with Evan, until he noticed Evan starting to become a bit off. "Hey, let's take a break," he suggested. Connor was fine, surprisingly, but he could tell Evan wasn't. "We can go back if you want. We don't have to do this." Connor was admittedly curious as to what Evan was predicting to be over there, but he wouldn't go now if it was making Evan this nervous and uncomfortable. "But if you want to keep going, then I'm here for you, alright? I'll make sure you don't fall, I'll catch you. Got it?"

“No no we don’t have to stop.” Evan was embarrassed he was this afraid of falling. He wasn’t afraid of heights, but falling; yes.

They went on for a while longer and Evan called back “I think we’re almost there.” He picked up speed then, relieved that he could see the top of the hill, he was just about to crest it as the trail flattened out, saying, “oh my gosh Connor it’s -“ and that’s when his foot slipped and he tumbled backwards with a yelp.

Connor started rushing up a little too as he saw Evan starting to hurry up, and it's a good thing he did because he got his hands out just in time to catch Evan. They both stumbled a little, but Connor was able to steady them before they both fell. He wished he could wrap his arms around Evan, just for good measure, but he didn't. He let his hands linger on his back for a second, but then he pulled them away. "Let's go," Connor said, now that he could see the top of the hill right in front of them, and he was genuinely dying to see what was beyond it.

Evan’s heart leapt out of his throat when Connor caught him. Thank god he was here or who knows what might have happened. He did have a brief moment to think how Connor’s hands felt good on his back, but it only lasted a moment before he let go and steadied them both. When they finally made it to the top Evan audibly gasped at the sight. It was an incredible view, trees all around, part of the lake had wrapped around and ended over here. “This is incredible!” Evan squealed, taking out his phone to snap some pictures. “Look! I think that’s an old cabin down there! I wonder if someone lives over here?” Evan got out his maps and started taking notes, mumbling little things about longitude and latitude and elevation.

Connor honestly felt his breathing stop for a second at the view he was greeted with upon reaching the top of the hill. "Oh my god.." Connor murmured, just taking in the view as Evan took pictures. He was definitely going to ask him to send him those later. Connor followed Evan towards the cabin, looking all around him as he went. He was so thankful he found Evan for so many reasons, but one of those reasons was definitely because without him, he never would've found such beautiful places like these. "I can't believe this place is even real," Connor murmured as he looked around. "This is insane. You need to send me those pictures later, by the way."

“Of course, I’ll send them as soon as we have connection again.” They walked further and Evan said “it’s such a bummer, this might be the last nice day we have before winter really hits.” Evan liked winter but it wasn’t his favorite because outdoor activities were pretty limited. They came upon the cabin and found no light coming from the windows. And upon further inspection, there were no windows at all.

“Wow this looks old,” Evan said, stepping through the open threshold. “I bet it’s about circa 1870, telling from the wood grain.” He blushed, and said “god that sounded nerdy.” Evan watched the sky through one of the open windows. “We should head back soon,” but he made no move to go. “God it’s so quiet,” he whispered to himself, and partly to Connor. “It feels like we could be the last two people alive.”

Connor walked into the cabin when Evan did; it was old and there was nothing left but an old dusty cot bed and cobwebs in every corner, but it was nice to get inside since it was starting to get a little breezy. He went and sat on the corner of the cot, not putting too much weight on it since he was pretty sure it might break if he did. “I know,” he murmured in agreement. “I want to just, live here and not go back to class. I could do that, just ditch college and family and all of that all together and just live out here.” Connor was pretty sure no one would even notice, and if they did, they wouldn’t care. They’d probably just assume he killed himself or ran off to join a cult or something. Connor would gladly stay out here with Evan instead; he watched as Evan looked out the window, and it really took all he had not to go sit next to him, to wrap his arms around him, to hold him close and just sit with him for a while, just holding him and enjoying the smell of the forest and the cool air and the warm sun. But Connor couldn’t let himself do that. He just stayed on the bed, watching Evan but ready to say he was just looking out the window if Evan asked.

“Yeah I’ve thought about that,” Evan agreed turning around to face Connor, leaning up against the wall, not thinking about how dirty it might be. “Like I said, I want to just wander for a good few months, camp out, live off the land, and then write about it.” He watched Connor for a moment, the two of them just sitting there, looking at each other. Evan felt himself holding his breath. The world was so quiet he didn’t want to interrupt whatever magic was happening right now.

“Maybe someday,” Evan whispered. “We could do that together.” He smiled softly. God, he felt like such a sap saying that, and he smiled too much when Connor was around, he knew it. Connor probably thought he had a problem. “You could paint all the beautiful sights we saw and they could be illustrations for my book. We’d make a great team.” Evan fiddled with the hem of his shirt as he looked down at his shoes. The way Connor was looking at him gave him butterflies, but he didn’t know why. He was probably not even looking at him, but past him. Most people looked past Evan, or through him. He was used to being ignored. “Well,” Evan choked out. “We should probably go now,” he repeated with a sigh.

Connor nodded his head a little. “I did that. Kind of; have you heard that story, the one where I left during Christmas break last year and went to Italy with my TA? Yeah. Yeah, that one’s true,” he told Evan. “I had the money and he asked me to go, so I did. And it was amazing, and it was only for two weeks. I left again the semester after that, just skipped for a week or so and got a motel out an hour away from campus. It’s good to take breaks sometimes.” He really didn’t want to leave, but when Evan suggested it, he reluctantly agreed.

“Yeah, probably,” Connor said. He stood up and brushed the dust off of his pants, starting his way out of the cabin and back onto the trail.

They got back to campus as the light was fading in the sky. It was already chilly and Evan shivered as they said goodbye. “Thanks for going out today. It’s gonna be winter soon and we’re going to have to find something else to do,” Evan laughed. “Unless you want to freeze your ass off with me in the woods in the snow and all that stuff. Snowball fights I guess.” Evan smiled and waved a goodbye to Connor as he turned to head inside.

Connor chuckled a little at the offer and nodded. "We'll figure it out," he said as Evan went into his room. Connor went back to his own, his stomach still full of butterflies. He'd been hanging out with Evan for a few weeks now, and it was just getting worse and worse. That feeling in his stomach and in his chest, that is. Connor knew what it was, but he was scared to admit it. He knew that Evan didn't feel the same way, he was positive. So he didn't even let himself hope for a possibility of that happening. Connor went back to his dorm and texted Evan once he got there.

_Thanks for inviting me again today. Whenever you wanna go there again or just skip class or whatever, I'm around._

Then he got in bed and promptly fell asleep. 


	8. VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the weird arrows at the end, no clue how those got there or how to get rid of them. Prob some weird Tumblr to AO3 translation thing. :P

Evan didn’t end up talking to Connor much the next couple weeks. They would bump into each other on campus now and then and exchange pleasantries, but it always seemed kind of forced. Even wasn’t one for talking on the phone, or texting much, the only time he talked to Connor outside of classes was to send him a picture of a plant or beautiful scenery he saw on one of his walks. However, come close to thanksgiving, Jared informed him of a party that Alana was hosting, and how Evan simply had to go.

“Oh no,” Evan said. “I don’t do good at parties. 

“Oh come on,” Jared pleaded. “I won’t let you say no.”

Evan thought about it for a couple days and eventually texted Connor about it. “ _Hey I know this is random but Jared is making me go to this party and I was wondering if you were going to be there? Or if you weren’t invited maybe you can come with me?_ ” Evan thought having someone there he actually liked would make the anxiety of being in a crowd a little better. “ _I know it might be weird me asking you cause we haven’t hung out a lot but it would mean a lot to me to have you there. I mean, you’re the only person I like._ ”

Connor really missed hanging out with Evan. He didn’t know what happened; did he come on too strong, or was he too weird, or did Evan realize how terrible he was and want to leave like everyone else did? Did the rumors finally get to him and make him leave? Connor hated worrying about it as much as he did, but when he got a text from Evan, his worries were alleviated a little. Not much, but a little. ‘ _When is it? You really want me to go with you?_ ’ Connor texted back.

When Evan told him the date and the time, Connor saw he didn’t have anything planned. ‘ _Yeah, I’m free. I can go if you want_ ’

“Cool thanks.” Evan felt bad that they hadn’t talked and now all of a sudden he was asking to hang out. It wasn’t for any particular reason that he hadn’t texted Connor until now. Mostly just that he was sure Connor would get annoyed by him if he asked him to hang out too much. And if Connor was busy he didn’t want him skipping class or not getting homework done because Evan was too _needy_.

The day of the party rolled around and Jared left extra early to help Alana get everything ready. It was at this house she rent with three other girls off campus. And since it was off campus that meant there would be lots of alcohol, and Evan was already nervously sweating about that fact and how drunk people normally made him very uncomfortable because everyone pressured him to drink, especially Jared. Evan had never drank more than a few sips of anything, and had never really experienced what it would be like to _actually_ get intoxicated. He assumed it would be bad for his anxiety, even though Jared had to tell him over and over that it _relaxed you_ not made you more uptight.

Evan stressed about what to wear, not because it was anything fancy, but because he hadn’t seen Connor in so long and he wanted to look nice for him. He eventually landed on one of his standard polos, a blue one because he always thought he looked best in blue, but instead of his khakis he ended up wearing jeans because he didn’t want to look like he was trying _too_ hard. They decided to walk over to the party together so Evan headed down stairs to the courtyard where he and Connor had planned to meet up. He saw Connor already sitting there and _god_ he looked so good. He wasn’t even wearing anything different than normal but the fact that they hadn’t seen each other in so long just heightened the fact that Connor was an attractive person and Evan was totally fine admitting this to himself.

“Hey,” Evan said walking up to him. “Thanks for coming with me tonight. It means a lot. How have you been?” He said as they started walking.

Connor didn’t dress too nicely, just wore whatever black jeans had no holes in them and the cleanest and least wrinkled shirt he had, which was a dark grey button up short sleeve shirt. He waited for Evan, and he had to hold back a smile as he saw him. It had been so long and it just felt so nice to see him again, even if he didn’t want to admit that.

“Hey,” Connor said as he started walking with Evan. “It’s no problem. I hate parties, but hey, I haven’t been to one in a while so why not.” Connor really just liked parties for the alcohol and the weed and the stupid party games, even though he usually just sat in the background and watched people play them. But this one would be better because he’d have Evan there with him. “I’ve been alright, how have you been?” Connor asked Evan as they walked. 

“I’ve been good,” Evan felt awkward like he didn’t know what to say. After a few blocks of silence he stopped in his tracks and turned to look at Connor. “Hey, I... I really missed you,” he told him. “I’m sorry I haven’t been a better friend... I should have called or texted or something but I was worried I’d... be too much for you.” It was the truth, though it was hard to say out loud. “I hope you don’t hold it against me.” Evan wanted desperately to take Connor’s hand then, but he didn’t. It would be too much too fast. “I won’t... I won’t be so distant anymore if you p-promise you’ll tell me if I’m ever... too much.” Evan kept walking then, and in about 10 more minutes they could hear the sound of the party before they even saw it. Evan got nervous then, and stopped short when they got to the door. 

Connor tried to ignore the way his stomach fluttered at Evan’s words. He didn’t want to let on to how much he’d missed Evan, to how much those words meant to him, so he just nodded a little. “Don’t worry about it,” Connor told Evan. “It’s fine. You’d never be too much or anything like that. Text or call me whenever. I’ll tell you if it gets too much, but I’m telling you right now that it won’t. I mean, unless you text me every single second of every day, but I doubt you’ll do that. So you’re fine.” Connor kept walking with Evan, and he could sense his hesitation as they got closer.

“Hey, it’ll be fine,” Connor told Evan. “Parties aren’t that bad. And if it gets too much, then we’ll just leave. Okay?” 

Evan nodded and swallowed. He had that urge again to grab Connor’s hand but refrained. They walked through the door and were immediately swallowed by a throng of people. Evan felt his heart race, and his palms grew sweaty. He tried so hard to calm down but his horror was surely apparent on his face. “C-Connor, do you see Jared?” Evan got a sudden urge to find Jared, say hi, and then leave. Once he said hi to Jared, Jared wouldn’t notice or care if Evan left.

They eventually found him, in the middle of the living room playing some game that involved cards sticking to your forehead. Some form of charades.

“EVAN!” Jared yelled, stumbling over to him and Connor. The minute Jared saw him his jaw dropped. “Ooooookay why’d you bring Murphy?” Jared asked as if Connor wasn’t standing right there.

“Stop it, Jared,” was the only comeback Evan could supply, shooting Connor an apologetic look.

“Whatever,” Jared said, “I’m getting yooooouuuuu a drink.” Jared toddled off with Evan helplessly calling after him, “oh no, I’m okay!” But it was to no avail. “Sorry about that,” he yelled at Connor over all the noise. They stood there awkwardly together, watching the spectacle around them. Besides the group that Jared was playing games with there was a group of people dancing in the dining room, some people outside on the back patio, and several people on the stairs talking. The kitchen looked crowded as well with people snacking on pretzels and chips as they drank an assortment of different drinks - no doubt all alcoholic.

Jared returned shortly and handed Evan a cup, which Evan had no choice but to accept. “Sorry, Murphy,” Jared said, swinging his drink around. “Only got two hands. You’re a big boy, unlike Evan, you can go get your own.” 

Connor just gave Jared a blank look as he questioned his presence, and again when he came back without a drink for him. He definitely needed one, so he went to the kitchen to grab one. He had to push past people dancing, people drunkenly stumbling around, people making out right next to the drinks. He pushed past them because he just wanted to drink, not have people fucking on the table in front of him, thank you very much. He filled his cup all the way before returning to Evan. He needed it. Connor was beyond relieved to find Jared was back in the circle playing that game by the time he got back.

“Still don’t get why he hates me so much,” Connor spoke to Evan over the music as he took a sip. “Have you ever drank before?” He asked as he looked at the cup in Evan’s hand. Connor wouldn’t be surprised if Evan said no, but he was curious either way.

“Oh um n-no well, I mean of course I have had alcohol but I mean....” Evan looked at the cup in his hand and suddenly downed it all in one go, half showing off to Connor, half hoping it would get in him faster and relax his nerves. “I’m n-not a light weight,” Evan reassured Connor. “W-want to go outside? It’s hot in here.”

Evan led them both outside - stopping by to refill his drink on the way out - where there were still lots of people but at least it was cooler. Evan leaned over the railing of the porch and sighed. “We don’t have to stay long if you don’t want,” he told Connor. Evan took another sip of his drink and coughed. Whatever he put in this time was much stronger than Jared had given him. His stomach already started to feel warmer.

Connor raised his eyebrows as he watched Evan finish off the drink. Evan didn’t have as much as he did in his cup, but it was still surprising and pretty impressive. He decided to chug his drink too, which was more difficult considering he had mostly all hard alcohol and just a little lemonade to make it tolerable, but he managed. Connor followed after Evan, leaning against the railing as he held his newly refilled drink in his hand. 

“I don’t care,” Connor told Evan. It didn’t take long at all for the alcohol to hit his head, but it wasn’t too bad. He just felt floatier and lighter and more spaced out than usual. Like when you’re trying to stay awake when you’re more than half asleep, that floaty feeling in your head, that’s what he had right now. He almost forgot how nice drinking was.

Evan watched as some people to their left started yelling over some conversation they were having, and managing to scoot closer and closer to Connor and Evan as they did so. One of them bumped into Evan’s shoulder, causing him to spill some of his drink which sloshed over his hand. “Sorry bro,” the guy said, turning around to face Evan and Connor. “Oh hey, you’re Evan Hansen, right?” Evan didn’t recognize him, but he nodded, taking a swig of his drink. He wasn't expecting to have to talk to anyone but Connor. “You’re the kid in Rogers class that always turns his science homework in a week early.” Evan blushed and shrugged. “Um yeah so?” Evan glanced to Connor and gave him a “What-is-this-guy-getting-at?” look. “What a fucking nerd,” the dude said, laughing and getting the rest of his friends to laugh with him. “You’re such a pussy,” he said, shoving Evan in a way that he couldn’t tell if it were playful or mean. “Who’s this?” the stranger asked, “your boyfriend?” motioning to Connor.

Connor watched the interaction, and was fine until they called Evan a pussy. That got his attention and made him stand up a little straighter.

“No, I’m not,” Connor told the boy as he asked if he was Evan’s boyfriend. Connor didn’t mind being called that, but that was a whole different story. “Why don’t you leave him alone, okay?” Connor didn’t want anyone messing with Evan. So what he turned stuff in early? He was diligent, that was good. And who cares even if they _were_ dating? It was none of this guy’s business.

Evan blushed as Connor spoke up for him. He wasn’t expecting Connor to get involved, but it was nice to see he cared enough to say something. Evan’s heart sank as Connor denied that they were dating, but Evan would never admit this. It was the truth, Connor was simply stating a fact - they _weren’t_ together.

“Jesus,” the guy said, “way to get defensive, Murphy.” So he knew Connor too. That made Evan’s ears perk up. But according to Jared’s intel, everyone knew who Connor was so really Evan shouldn’t have been surprised. 

“Let’s get out of here,” Evan said tugging on Connor’s sleeve. “He’s just drunk.” The two boys managed to escape back inside the house, the random party-goer quickly loosing interest in them. They bumped into Jared on their way back inside, and Jared looked surprised to see them.

“You’re still here!” He shouted loudly, more drunk than when they’d first arrived, if that was at all possible. “I thought for sure you’d have skipped by now. Here,” Jared grabbed Evan’s drink out of his hand and swapped it for the one he’d been holding. “Drink this. It’ll help you relax.” Evan took it and had a sip. He really wanted to relax now, especially after whatever the hell that was that just happened outside. As he took a drink, Evan almost spit it out it was so strong. 

“Shit!” He said. “What is this?!” Evan only started cursing when he was passing the line between sober and drunk. “Jared!?”

Jared laughed. “Calm down, it’s fine. A mix of stuff, there’s juice in there don’t worry. And maaaaaaaybe a little absinthe.”

“WHAT?!” Evan squeaked. He looked back down at the cup. It didn't have any green tint to it so hopefully there wasn't anymore than a few drops. “Jesus, Jared,” Evan said, but Jared had already wandered off. And when he looked back to his side to say something to Connor, he too had vanished.

“Connor?” Evan called.

Connor didn’t wander too far, just far enough to go get himself another drink since he finished his second one. When he returned, he saw the look of worry on Evan’s face. “Sorry, just got another,” he said as he held his cup up for a second. “And you have another too? Okay Mr. ‘I-don’t-drink-that-often,” he said as he took a sip of his drink. Connor had to drink at parties or else he’d completely freak out and panic and leave early; alcohol is the only thing that made parties like these tolerable. 

And Evan. Evan made them tolerable, but he didn’t want to admit that. “Wanna play any games? People are playing them all over the place,” Connor offered to Evan. 

Evan breathed a sigh of relief when Connor returned. “I was afraid you left without me,” Evan admitted, taking another sip of his god awful drink. His head felt light, like a balloon, and Connor looked so damn pretty today for some reason. Connor suggested they play a game, and Evan nodded his forced approval. “Oh uh sure...” he followed Connor to a group of his choosing and they sat down on an empty wingback chair. Evan sat in the chair, and Connor sat on the arm next to him, leaning in a little bit so as to avoid bumping into anyone else. Evan tucked up his legs and tried to catch what the game they were playing was, and how it worked.

Connor had no idea what game they were walking into, it just seemed like the most tame circle of all the other groups currently playing party games. Turns out that’s because it was 7 Minutes in Heaven, and the people were just waiting for the last minute to be up. A timer rang and someone left, then returned a few seconds later with a very flustered girl Connor had never seen and an equally flustered guy from his creative writing class.

Shit.

Connor didn’t know what he’d gotten himself into. And of course when the bottle spun to decide who would spin next, it landed on him. And just his luck he spun it, and it landed on some girl he swore he’s seen somewhere, he just couldn’t remember in his drunken state. And he couldn’t really process much of what happened next because he was being ushered off of the chair and away to some room, then the door was closed and locked and he had about 6 minutes and 50-something torturous seconds to go. 

Evan watched Connor walk away with a horrible dread in his stomach. 7 minutes in Heaven?? _Really_? _This_ is what they walked into? Of course it landed on Connor and _of course_ it then landed on _some girl_. Evan felt sick to his stomach. What was Connor going to do?? Did he... did he like that girl? Would he actually kiss her or... or worse? Evan had never played this before and in all honesty he wasn’t even sure what went on. Did people actually willingly sign up for this kind of thing? Evan excused himself and grabbed another drink... his fourth he thought? And by now he was pretty sure he was beyond wasted. Tomorrow he’d wake up with a headache, maybe even throw up once in the night, and now because of this stupid game he couldn’t care less. He sat there in his chair sweating, his palms were slick with anticipation of Connor’s return. His heart was beating at an unnatural rate, and he felt ready to punch someone... or cry.

When Connor finally returned - really, that was the longest seven minutes of Evan’s life - he sat back down next to Evan, and refused to look at him. Evan tried to read the look on his face but it was imperceptible. The bottle was then spun to see who would go next and although Evan knew he should have left before they spun again, he remained. And it landed on him. He timidly reached forward and spun the bottle, watching its rotations that seemed to be in perfect sync with his racing heart.

Those had been the longest 7 minutes of his life, Connor was pretty sure. The girl seemed interested in him, or interested in anyone who would kiss her or have sex with her, but that person was _not_ Connor. There was already a couple in the closet so they had to go to one of the bedrooms in the house, and Connor lost track of the amount of times he had to move to the other side of the bed or obviously scootch away to get away from her. He would’ve stood but his head was so floaty he wasn’t sure he could keep his balance that well. She tried putting a hand on his leg, tried leaning her head against his shoulder, tried everything, but Connor wouldn’t have it. That’s why when they came back she sat back down on the floor with a thud and a pissed off look.

When Evan spun the bottle, Connor was shocked to see it land on him. He and Evan were ushered to the same room, and he could feel the tension. He didn’t know why, but he felt it. “I didn’t do anything,” he felt like confessing, for some reason. “She was really obnoxious. I just sat there the whole time.”

Evan was pissed.

Maybe it was just that he was drunk, but even when Connor said nothing had happened, Evan wasn’t having it. “You’re not lying are you?” Evan asked, stepping close to Connor. “Because like, if you like her or whatever just tell me and I’ll forget about it, and you, and we can just move on.” Even though Connor sat down, Evan refused to sit as well, and chose to pace the room instead. He couldn’t look at Connor, afraid of what he’d see in his face. “I’ve never even played this game before! I heard about it in high school but like why would people willing choose to do this to themselves? It’s so messed up!” Evan threw his arms in the air and finally turned to look at Connor.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” Evan put his hands to his hips and sighed. He knew he was overreacting but the drinks he’d been having took over and he was... definitely not himself right now.

Connor listened to Evan, and suddenly it all clicked.

Evan liked him.

That’s why he was mad, that’s why he chickened out and didn’t text him for a while, that’s why he texted him so much prior. Connor hoped his theory was correct, or else it was going to make his next move very awkward.

When Evan came and stood in front of him, Connor reached out and took Evan’s hands off of his hips, holding them in his own instead. He knew it was risky, but he just had to try. “You just wasted about 30 seconds,” he told him lightly.

Connor pulled Evan closer, just close enough that he could lean up and press their lips together.


	9. IX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hot & steamy time for Con & Ev whoops. We went there.

Evan went stock still when Connor grabbed his hands. The skin on skin contact made Evan’s head spin, but not nearly the way it did when Connor pulled him in for a kiss. It was butterfly light and paper thin but after about three seconds, Evan lost all control and pressed their mouths together, hotter, harder.

He reached up and grabbed the sides of Connor’s face in both his hands, tangling his fingers in his hair, undoing the bun Connor had put in to hold it back. Evan straddled Connor on the edge of the bed, his legs on either side of him as he pressed closer. He wanted no space between them. He felt on fire from the feel of Connor’s touch. Evan pulled back after a moment, shaking and breathing heavily.

“S-sorry... was that... t-too much?” Evan locked eyes with Connor, taking note of the way his hair fell, the color of his eyes, his lips slightly swollen from the kiss.

Connor was beyond surprised to feel Evan kissing him that hard, to feel him undoing his hair, to feel him sitting in his lap, but he was not complaining one bit. When Evan pulled back, he just wanted to kiss him again. So he did. He didn’t even bother replying, he just cupped Evan’s face and kissed him again, with as much passion and fervor as Evan had kissed him with previously. It felt so good kissing Evan like that, especially when he’d been wanting to kiss him like that for so long. It felt so, so good. Connor hadn’t kissed anyone in a long time, but he wasn’t thinking about anyone or anything else as he kissed Evan and wrapped his arms around him to pull him closer.

Evan had wanted this for so long, since that first day Connor had come over and sketched him. Maybe it was crazy for Evan to admit that he had developed feelings for someone that fast, but in this moment he let himself enjoy it. Maybe he was too drunk to care, either way, he let himself melt into Connor’s kiss, moaning slightly as he pulled away for a breath, and then leaned back in with a nip to Connor’s bottom lip.

“I’ve wanted this for so long,” Evan whispered. “I’ve wanted _you_ for so long.”

Connor hummed as Evan kissed him back. He never wanted it to end, never wanted Evan to be anywhere other than in his lap ever again. But he had to deal with something first; he reluctantly stood up, going over to make sure the door was locked before returning to Evan. Connor sat down next to him, pulling Evan back into his lap as he kissed him again. He didn’t want anyone interrupting this; even if they only kissed, he was fine with that. He just didn’t want anyone walking in and ruining this moment.

“I’ve wanted this for so long too,” Connor murmured against Evan’s lips, but didn’t say anything else because kissing Evan felt way better than talking right now. Connor couldn’t even believe how nice it felt. It was a little messy thanks to the newness and the alcohol, sure, but _god_ , it felt amazing anyway.

Evan grabbed Connor by the collar of his shirt and pushed him down on the bed, pulling him over on top of him. Evan loved the feel of the weight of Connor on top of him. He really _really_ wished they weren’t dressed completely, because Evan desperately wanted to run his hands over Connor’s chest. He was so slender and pale, Evan wished suddenly that he knew how to draw too so he could immortalize Connor on paper. Evan’s hands made their way back to Connor’s hair, tangling his fingers in the soft wavy locks. It was _so_ soft, just like he'd always imagined. Evan moved from Connor’s lips and left a trail of kisses up his jaw to behind his ear where Evan nipped at the earlobe and sucked at the soft skin behind it.

Connor gladly laid on top of Evan, his hands resting on either side of Evan’s head to help support himself. He was pretty slender, but he still didn’t want to crush Evan by putting all of his weight on him. Connor kissed Evan back, until Evan started kissing down his neck.

“Fuck...” he swore under his breath as Evan started sucking at his skin. It felt so good, he could hardly even stand it. He couldn’t believe he was here doing this with Evan. Connor couldn’t believe that Evan was actually into doing this, and it didn’t even cross his mind that maybe this was just because Evan was drunk. He wasn’t even thinking about that. All he could think of was how nice it was to have Evan sucking on his skin like this.

Evan subconsciously knew their time in the room was quickly coming to a close so he moved his lips from Connor’s ear, down his neck to the hollow of his throat where he sucked on the skin, snapping back with a satisfying pop. Evan smiled. That would definitely leave a mark, and god, he was glad. In a weird sort of way it felt like he was claiming Connor as his own, well... at least giving him a reminder that this happened, so neither of them would forget when they were sober the next day. Evan slipped his hands under Connor’s shirt, moving them to his back and pulling him in for another kiss to the mouth, his tongue moving against the other boy’s delightfully.

This was intoxicating. That was the best word for it. And only a few moment later there was a knock on the door. “Time’s up!” Someone yelled. “What... why is the door locked??” They shook at the door handle, pounding on it as they did so.

Connor couldn’t hold back a gasp as Evan kept sucking over his skin. He kissed back with even more intensity when Evan finally pressed their lips together again, and his hand slid under Evan’s shirt too. His skin was so soft, so warm, and he couldn’t get enough of it. When he heard the knock on the door and the shouting, he didn’t hesitate at all before yelling back.

“Find a different room!” He didn’t leave any more room for conversation, instead just leaning down to kiss Evan again. He moved to his neck this time, pressing open-mouthed kisses along the side of it before settling on a spot and sucking a mark into it. He wanted to give Evan a matching one, and his neck also just looked so inviting and he couldn’t keep himself from kissing and sucking over it.

Evan was so incredibly glad when Connor yelled back at the person knocking to get lost. Evan couldn’t help but giggle a little at that, but was soon shushed by the feel of Connor’s mouth trailing around his own skin. It felt incredible, sending shivers down his entire body. Evan noisily let out a cry when Connor sucked at his skin, giving him a matching mark. Evan didn’t care who heard him, he wasn’t going to hold himself back anymore.

“God! Oh my god!” Evan said, “Connor,” he pulled his face back up to where he could look him in the eye. He didn’t really have anything else to say, he just simply wanted to gaze at him. Evan felt so happy in this moment - he didn’t think it was possible to feel this... in love. But he didn’t say that, even as they kissed, Evan didn’t want to scare Connor away by being too forward. So instead he simply pressed his lips to Connor’s yet again and said “don’t stop. Oh god, please don’t stop.”

Connor could’ve died right then and there as he heard Evan crying out the way he was. His pupils were blown wide as Evan pulled back to look at him, looking at him dazedly because _fuck_ , he just wanted Evan more than ever. Connor leaned back down to kiss over Evan’s neck again; if Evan didn’t want him to stop, he most definitely wasn’t going to.

Connor kissed and sucked and nipped all over his neck, leaving marks wherever he could. His hand stayed under Evan’s shirt, feeling over every inch of skin he could reach. Connor didn’t want to admit how much he cared for Evan, but god, having him like this just made his heart swell. Connor cared for him so much; this wasn’t just drunken making out, he genuinely cared for Evan and wanted to make him feel as good as possible. He wouldn’t admit to that, though. And he didn’t have to yet. For now he just focused on making Evan feel good, on making as many of those noises keep coming from Evan as possible.

Evan eventually couldn’t help it and he clawed at Connor’s shirt, pulling it up and over his head with some help from the other boy. “God, you’re _beautiful_ ,” Evan exhaled as he stared up at Connor’s gorgeous frame. Evan grabbed Connor’s shoulders, pulling him down and then pushing him over so that their positions were switched and now Evan was the one on top of Connor. Evan sat up and gently ran his fingers over Connor’s torso - butterfly light - marveling at the hollow of his ribs, the small freckles here and there, the smooth paleness of his skin.

“Wow,” he whispered, enthralled. Evan bit at his own bottom lip, suddenly hyper aware of what they were doing. “I d-don’t want to...” He didn’t know how to say it. He didn’t want to ruin the moment, but he _did_ want to make sure Connor didn’t get any ideas. Evan wasn’t too drunk to know that this could go too far too fast if he wasn’t careful. “I just w-want to take it slow, o-okay?” Even as he said this, he teasingly ran his fingers along the waist of Connor’s jeans, with a smile. Evan leaned down and kissed Connor again, gently, as he steadied himself with his arms on either side of Connor’s head.

Connor let Evan flip them over, and he felt his skin burst with chills as Evan ran his fingers over his torso. He wasn’t used to anyone being so gentle, so sweet, so affectionate towards him, it made him flush a little because it was so out of what he was used to. Usually people were mean to him, or ignored him at best, so this felt so, so nice, to be appreciated and admired like this.

“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” Connor said, even though he felt shivers go over him as Evan’s fingers traced along his jeans. “I don’t want to pressure you or anything. Whatever you want to do or don’t want to do, it’s up to you.” Connor kissed Evan back gently, slower and softer than before as he ran his hands over Evan’s thighs that were on either side of him. He kissed him sweetly, his eyes fluttering shut contentedly. He could stay like this forever: Evan in his lap, kissing him and touching him like this. It was like heaven. It was everything he’s wanted for the past few weeks and more.

Evan smiled. He couldn’t believe Connor was being so perfect, so willing and understanding and gentle. It went against everything he’d ever heard from Jared or anyone else about the rumors that circled Connor. The two continued to make out for awhile longer before Evan finally fell down at Connor’s side on the bed, breathing heavily. They laid there like that next to each other for a while, before Evan started giggling uncontrollably. He covered his face with his hands as he kicked his legs around.

“I can’t believe we just did all that!” he squealed. He removed his hands from his face and rested his chin on Connor’s chest, looking up at him with doe eyes. “YOU-“ he said, poking Connor in the cheek. “Kiiiiiiised me, and youuuuuu liiiiike meeeeee,” Evan sang teasingly. He was dizzy from all the drinking - and from all the kissing - and now that he finally made a point to talk it was apparent how drunk he actually was. “How long have you known you wanted to do that?” Evan asked, resting his head in the crook between Connor’s arm and chest. He looked up at the ceiling, finally taking a moment to wonder who’s room they had invaded. He could still hearing the music downstairs but there didn’t seem to be as many voices as before. What time was it? he wondered. He didn’t care though. He was content to lay here with Connor for as long as possible.

Connor couldn’t help but grin as Evan started laughing and kicking his feet around. God, Evan was just the most adorable person in the entire universe, and Connor was so smitten with him. He looked down at Evan as he rested his head on his chest, the smile still stuck on his face.

“Since I first started drawing you,” Connor admitted. “I thought you were cute, that's why I asked if you’d help me with my project, and then sitting in your room drawing you and talking to you, I-..I just really started liking you.” He couldn’t say that he fell in love, because that was terrifying. But he really did develop such strong feelings for Evan, and they were just even stronger now. “What about you?” Connor asked Evan. “Or are you just doing it because you’re drunk or something?” That was a genuine worry for Connor, that Evan really didn’t like him, that this was just because he was drunk. Nevertheless, Connor kept his arm around Evan as they laid there together, both looking up at the ceiling but both beyond content to be laying there with the other. Connor didn’t even care that he was shirtless, lying on some stranger’s bed. He was happy right now.

“That long?!” Evan couldn’t believe it. He felt like his heart was about to burst. “I-I was so nervous when you were going to come over that first day and sketch me. I thought it was... insane that anyone would want to do something like that, as intimate as capture me on paper. I thought you were so mysterious yet unbelievably _real_ all at the same time. And after we talked a few times I thought... maybe it wasn’t crazy to suppose you and I might... understand each other. The first time I realized I really wanted to _be_ with you was when we found that cabin. Remember? I wanted to kiss you so bad then.” Evan sighed and nestled deeper into Connor’s arms. He felt terribly tired then, and before he could help himself he found that he was starting to doze off.

Connor felt his cheeks turn pink at that. He felt ridiculous for having wanted to kiss Evan so soon, but he couldn’t help it. “Yeah, it was that long. I couldn’t help it. You just-...you understand people and fall for them harder if you ever have to focus on them in detail like I did for your portrait, so I guess I just...I don’t know, I guess that’s why I’ve felt like this for so long.” Connor got so familiar with Evan’s face while doing his portrait, it really started to become too familiar, so comforting, almost like a safe place for him to retreat to, it was so familiar. He knew every little freckle, every little gleam in Evan's eyes, and it was beautiful. He thought Evan was just the most beautiful person he’d ever seen.

“Yeah, of course I remember that.” Connor kept his arms around Evan, and when he saw Evan starting to doze off, he moved one arm so he could grab the blankets and pull them up over the both of them. “Night, Evan,” Connor murmured, reaching for the lamp on the nightstand so he could turn it off. “See you tomorrow.”

 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. X

Evan woke up in the morning with a pounding headache.

He reached for his phone which some how had made it from his pocket to the nightstand in the middle of the night. It read 5:26 a.m. Shit, Evan thought, how long had they been there? The door was still locked so whoever’s room this was, they weren't able to come to bed last night. Evan felt guilty about that. God, he hardly remembered anything from last night, just a lot of drinking and - oh _yeah_. Evan turned abruptly and saw Connor laying next to him, still asleep.

 _That_.

It all came back to Evan in a tidal wave of emotion. Him...and Connor... god, that actually _happened_?! Evan slowly and quietly slipped out of bed without waking Connor up. He grabbed his shoes and slipped them on, sliding his phone into his back pocket as he soundlessly left the room. When he got to the stairs he could see people all around him asleep, some still with cups in their hands from the party earlier. The place was trashed. Evan stepped over people, tripping on a couple as he came to the bottom of the stairs. There was some dude blocking the door, and Evan had to literally push him away with it so as to get outside. The guy didn’t even flinch, he was that passed out.

When Evan got outside he took a deep breath of fresh air, and then had a panic attack. He had made out with Connor last night, and what did that mean now? Today? Were they... together? Would Connor regret what they did last night? Evan was so worried that when Connor woke up he’d apologize and try to find a way to get out of it because really, who could ever like Evan like that? He felt so shitty about himself all the time that he couldn’t even give himself the fact that he and Connor had a wonderful night together. He slowed his breathing down and headed off down the road, eager for a walk, and time to think.

Connor woke up a while after Evan because he had to find the bathroom- which was understandable after how many drinks he had, but also difficult after how many drinks he had because his head was aching and he couldn’t remember where the bathroom was. It wasn’t until he got to the bathroom and saw the mark on his neck that he realized Evan hadn’t been there when he woke up. Of course he left. Of course this was just a one time drunken thing. Connor should’ve known better. He went to the kitchen after he used the bathroom, and moved some of the drinks and cups off the counter so he could make some toast. He felt like throwing up just at the thought of eating anything, but he needed at least _something_ in him before he went home. He didn’t really want to walk home alone, but it seemed he had no choice. Connor threw his hair up into a messy bun and took his toast, not even bothering to butter it as he left and started the trek back to campus. It was still early and the air was cool, and it was honestly pretty refreshing. He knew he’d get stares as he walked back to campus with his shirt all wrinkled, his hair messy, his neck sporting a couple hickeys, but he didn’t care. This was just a dumb one night thing. It didn’t mean anything to Evan. Clearly.

The closer Evan got to his dorm, the more guilty he felt about leaving Connor behind without saying anything. There were two things that could happen: one, Connor would see him and immediately apologize for last night, or two: he’d tell Evan to get lost because he was sure he didn’t want to see him ever again. Evan decided it would be best to go silent and just go home and not talk to Connor ever again, but before he knew it his feet weren’t taking him to his dorm, but were on their way to Connor’s place. 

Evan tried to calm his racing nerves as he climbed the stairs and found his way to Connor’s hall, sitting down outside his dorm room door, waiting for him to get home. He’d apologize for leaving without saying anything, and maybe apologize for kissing him... if he read that’s what Connor wanted him to say.

Connor kept walking back to his dorm, and honestly he wasn’t even thinking much about what happened. He felt too gross to really think about anything. Connor knew he drank _way_ too much, and it was really hitting him. He hadn’t had such a hangover in a while, and that’s really the only thing that was on his mind, not Evan. They made out a little, that’s it. That’s all it would ever be. Just a drunken mistake, just a drunken makeout session thanks to a stupid party game. That’s it. It was hard to keep that mindset when Connor got to his dorm and saw Evan sitting there, just sitting in front of his dorm with his slightly wrinkled polo shirt, his neck littered with the marks that _he_ left there last night, his hair still a good amount of messy too. Connor didn’t know what to say. He just stood there, trying to think of what he was supposed to do right now.

“Connor!” Evan stood up then, a little too fast, causing himself to stumble - god, he was still so dizzy, was this what a hangover was like?! “Hey, um...” Evan walked over to where Connor stood frozen in his steps. He fiddled with the hem of his shirt (his number one anxious habit) and looked at his feet as he spoke.

“I’m s-so sorry I left this morning without saying anything. I d-didn’t want to wake you up. You looked so p-peaceful sleeping. Um...” Evan didn’t know how to bridge the topic that was obviously both on their minds. He finally looked up at Connor and locked eyes with him. “You look like shit,” Evan said, and before he knew what he was doing he laughed. “I’m sorry,” he covered his hands with his mouth. “You...your neck....” Evan pointed at the giant hickey that was peeking out from Connor’s collar. Evan couldn’t believe _he_ did that. “It’s um... m-much bigger looking in the daylight,” he said.

Connor didn’t look amused. “I’m sorry,” Evan said again. “You probably don’t ever want to see me again, do you?” He felt horrible. Connor probably regretted everything about last night and here Evan was laughing about it. “Listen, if you regret what we did, I promise I’ll act like it never happened and I won’t mention it ever again... just tell me what you w-want, and I’ll do it. I swear.”

Connor definitely wasn’t amused. Here he was, finally having admitted his feelings for Evan, and Evan left him without so much as a goodbye and now he was laughing at him. Definitely not what Connor wanted. He just pushed past Evan a little so he could open his door, which was locked, of course. And of _course_ he didn’t have his key on him. He knocked on his door so his roommate would open, but there was no answer. Perfect.

“I don’t care,” Connor said at all of Evan’s suggestions. He didn’t want that to be just a one time thing, but it was clear that’s all it was to Evan. “Say whatever you want. If you don’t want to talk about it, we won’t. I don’t care.” He really _did_ care a lot, but he couldn’t admit that.

Connor was so upset, Evan could easily tell from his body language. It’s as if whatever happened last night was a dream and now they were back to being distant again. “Oh...” Evan stood there as he watched Connor look for his keys, not have them, knock on the door, and no one answered. Evan knew Jared wasn’t home, he was still passed out at Alana’s, so Evan whispered, “you can come wait at my dorm until your roommate is back.” Maybe Connor wouldn’t come, but Evan felt like it was the right thing to do at the moment. 

Connor wanted to laugh at that. Evan wouldn’t even stay at Alana’s house with him and now he was inviting him back to his room? He wanted to just be by himself, to isolate himself before he let himself get attached to anyone else ever again, but he didn’t have that option.

“You don’t have to do that,” Connor murmured. He subconsciously tried pulling his collar up more; he had liked the mark Evan left, honestly, until Evan started laughing at it the way he did. Now Connor just felt embarrassed. The mark felt more like a burn, etching itself into his skin and he just wanted it gone now, honestly. He wished he had never opened up the way he did. He wished he had been able to push Evan away before he got too close to him, but it was too late. He felt even stronger about Evan now, and it just hurt even more now because Evan left, Evan laughed at him, Evan clearly didn’t want anything to do with him. “I’ll just, wait here,” Connor murmured, avoiding looking at Evan because in all honesty, he felt like he could start crying out of frustration and looking at Evan would probably make him break. “He’s probably just out for breakfast or something, he’ll be back and have keys.” Connor was expecting to be out with Evan most of the day, so he didn’t even bother bringing keys. He felt like an idiot for doing that, for believing that could possibly happen. 

Evan couldn’t help it. He started crying then, silently, thank god, but the tears still managed to pour their way down his cheeks. “I’m sorry,” he said, yet again. “I... made you uncomfortable by saying I liked you, didn’t I? I... I do... and you don’t and that’s...that’s okay. But I wish....” Evan looked up then, and managed to get Connor’s attention long enough to step forward and press their mouths together again, hotly.

When Evan pulled away, he was still crying, but managed to squeak out, “does that make you feel _anything_?” He sighed. “Because I... it does for me. I d-don’t regret anything.”

Connor was even more upset after Evan kissed him, honestly. He was angry that Evan could just kiss him and have it not be a big deal. He was angry that Evan could leave him, that he could make fun of him, that he could do all of that and then kiss him and suddenly turn Connor into mush again. He was mad at how in love with Evan he was. Connor didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything. He just put his hands to Evan’s shoulders, pressing him back against the door as he pressed their lips together again.

Connor couldn’t say no to Evan. No matter how hurt he was, he just couldn’t hold himself back. When he had Evan there, upset and crying and willing to kiss him, Connor just had to kiss him back. He couldn’t deny himself that.

Evan was relieved when he felt Connor’s obvious, instant tension eventually fade away as he melted into Evan’s kiss. _Thank god,_ Evan thought. Maybe there was hope after all. He let himself just kiss Connor for a while, noticing the striking difference from last night, but he still enjoyed it nonetheless. It felt more solid, less cloudy, but still as sweet.

When Evan pulled away he apologize one last time - he had a weakness for saying sorry a million times before he felt even slightly better - as he played with the collar of Connor’s shirt. “I w-won’t leave again like that, ever, I promise. And I w-won’t laugh at you, either, if you don’t think something is funny, but,” Evan looked up at Connor through his eyelashes, batting them a little as he did so, trying to make himself look as cute as possible. “You have to admit, hickey’s are kinda funny.” Evan moved one of his hands from Connor’s chest, and pulled down the collar of his own polo, revealing a small cluster of marks that Connor had left. “I like them,” Evan said _almost_ seductively. “I just hope you don’t regret giving them to me.”

Connor looked at Evan as he played with his shirt and pointed out his hickeys. He honestly loved seeing Evan’s neck marked up like that, and it made him want to leave a million more marks. “I don’t,” he murmured. Connor didn’t regret any of what happened the night prior. He loved what happened, and if anything, he wished he had done more. He wanted to keep kissing Evan all day, but he didn’t know how plausible that was, and also didn’t want to do it in the middle of his dorm hallway. “I take back what I said. Can we go back to your dorm?” Connor didn’t want it to sound like he was just trying to get Evan alone or anything; he just wanted to be able to relax with him. Though the idea of getting to kiss Evan more was definitely intriguing.

Evan smiled. “Yeah, of course, come on.” He took Connor’s hand and laced their fingers together as he led him down the stairs and out of the building. They walked a block to the next building over and climbed to the third floor where Evan and Jared’s dorm was. Evan tried the knob and was relieved it was locked. That meant Jared wasn’t back yet. When they stepped inside, Evan turned on a light and threw down his stuff. “Are you hungry?” he asked Connor. “I can make something. I’ve got ramen and Mac and cheese, cereal... what sounds good?”

Connor was surprised that Evan took his hand, but he wasn’t complaining. He held it back, his cheeks blushing lightly as he did so, and walked to Evan’s dorm with him. When Connor walked into Evan’s dorm, he groaned a little at the mention of food. “None of it.” He still felt so gross, and the toast he had that morning was more than enough for right now. “Hangovers suck. I don’t think I can stomach anything right now. Thanks, though. You should probably eat something, if you haven’t yet.” Connor figured Evan didn’t have the guts to go through Alana’s kitchen like he did, so he had a feeling Evan hadn’t had anything to eat yet, and he definitely needed _something_.

“Oh, okay,” Evan said, pouring himself a bowl of cereal, and then coming to rest on the bed. “So... hangovers suck,” he said to Connor. “I’m never drinking again.” Evan chewed in silence as Connor looked around the dorm. “Obviously you can tell which side is mine and which is Jared’s. Jared makes the biggest messes.” Evan felt self conscious as Connor glanced around, worried about what secrets he’d discover about Evan by deduction of how he lived and decorated. Evan had a nice windowbed of plants that he was very proud of. “Those,” he said “are my pride and joy.” Evan beamed, he really did love taking care of his plants. “I named that cactus after you,” he teased Connor. “Cause it’s prickly, like you.” He laughed through a mouthful of Cheerios.

Connor looked around and went over to look at the plants as Evan mentioned them. “Did you really name it after me?” Connor asked. He was more flattered by that than he was offended by the reasoning behind it. “I’m not prickly,” Connor argued, going to sit next to Evan on his bed and nudge him with his elbow. “You know I’m not. Maybe to other people, but not to you.”

“Okay okay maybe not to _me_ , but you can be a little standoff-ish. I was so afraid of you when we first met, but of course I’m not anymore.” Evan set down his empty bowl of cereal and took Connor’s hand in his own two. He played with it, turning it over and running his fingers over the back of it, and tracing the lines in his palm. “You're actually quite a softy on the inside, I think,” Evan added, bring the hand to his lips.

Connor chuckled a little at that. “Yeah, I guess I can be.” He was definitely stand off-ish at first, but once he warmed up to people he got better. He smiled a little at the kiss to his hand and Evan’s words.

“Thanks for coming over,” Evan said. “I really... really would have been depressed today if I spent it alone. Especially after... after last night.” Evan blushed as he remembered their time together. He wanted that again, already, so bad. Evan tucked a stray curl behind his ear and blushed. “Y-you make me really happy,” he told Connor.

“Thanks for having me over,” Connor returned. “I was so pissed at you for leaving this morning. I’m really glad it didn’t all just go to shit.” Connor really did care about Evan a lot and really really like him a lot, so he was beyond happy to have Evan clearly still into him like this.

Evan smiled. “Yeah I’m still really sorry about that.” Evan _did_ really feel guilty. He hoped Connor wouldn’t now think that he’d always walk out on him after they were together... like that.

“Well... um...” Evan didn’t know what was supposed to happen now. “Wanna... watch a movie or something? Or we could go on a walk?” Evan wanted to make this less awkward by providing a solution, but it seemed he was just making things more awkward. He kept glancing at Connor’s lips, _very_ obviously, and they just looked so inviting. It was as if now he’d tasted the nectar he was already addicted.

Connor nodded a little, but was distracted by the way Evan was looking at him. “I’m fine with doing whatever,” he told Evan. Though he was pretty sure from the look Evan was giving him that he had the same thing in mind. So Connor decided to be the one to have the guts, cupping Evan’s cheeks and leaning in to kiss him. He kept it slow and soft and sweet, and his stomach immediately fluttered at the feeling. Now that he’d kissed Evan, he never wanted to stop. He would spend all day just kissing him if he could.

Evan admitted to himself that he was _very_ glad when Connor leaned in to kiss him. It felt just as good as it had last night, but better if that was possible, probably due to the fact that they were sober now and honestly admitted how they felt about each other. Evan raised a hand to cup Connor’s face back, pressing into the kiss, but still keeping it slow and sweet. He really couldn’t believe this was happening to him, still. Not just the kissing - because he never thought anyone would want to kiss him like this - but the fact that it was _Connor_ , someone he’d silently pined after for what felt like forever, and now he finally had what he thought he’d never attain.

Evan couldn’t help himself, as his thoughts wandered to how this all came to be, and he nipped at Connor’s bottom lip, pulling it back and releasing it with a grunt. “I know it’s been less than 24 hours,” he said, “but I missed this.” He smirked and let his head fall to Connor’s shoulder where he pulled down his shirt and and kissed along the arch. “You’re so perfect,” he whispered. And he meant it. To him, Connor _was_.

Connor kissed Evan back, melting into him as they kissed. He let out a little hum as Evan tugged on his lip, and his lips chased Evan’s as he pulled away. He didn’t want to stop kissing him- not now, not ever. “I have, too,” Connor murmured, stealing another kiss just because he could. “You are. You really are perfect, y’know that?” He kissed Evan again because god, it was even more intoxicating than all of the alcohol he had had the night prior. Kissing Evan felt so, so good he couldn’t even handle it. He never wanted to stop.

Evan pushed Connor over on to the bed, straddling him as they kissed. He couldn’t help but rock back and forth a little as he did so; his body just sort of took over with a mind of its own. Evan felt the delightful sensation of pressure building inside him and it made him suddenly hyper aware of what they were doing. He’d never done this with anyone...let alone another _boy_. Kissing was one thing but what followed normally was something he was generally unfamiliar with. At least... in reality. Of course he’d...watched things... but he blushed to admit that that was the extent. He moved his mouth to Connor’s neck, his tongue trailing along the skin as their bodies moved together. Evan sat up and removed his shirt before returning his mouth to Connor’s again, much less gentle this time, and one hundred times more desperate to be claimed by him.

Connor was surprised yet again at how forward Evan could be. He wasn’t complaining one bit, though, when Evan pushed him down and straddled him and started moving their hips together. He hummed against his lips and rested his hands on Evan’s thighs, one moving to his hip to help Evan move. When Evan reached for his shirt Connor lifted his arms to help him take it off, and then Evan’s lips were right back on his own. Connor kissed him back without hesitation, deeper and more passionately than before. He couldn’t get enough of this; the kissing, the grinding, the feeling of Evan’s lips on his neck and on his own. It was all too much, especially when Evan was so eager like this.

Evan felt like he was going to lose it, the way their bodies were grinding together, and maybe he would have finished had Jared not taken the opportunity to walk in on them right at that moment.

The minute Evan heard the door lock turning he flew off of Connor, mortified, frantically looking around for some reason, like he could find a way to make it look like they hadn’t been doing what they’d just been doing. Jared walked in, definitely looking hungover, and almost screamed when he saw them.

“What the fuck!!” He glanced between the two of them, half undressed, and let his jaw drop at the sight. “I am WAY to hungover for this shit right now. Please tell me I’m hallucinating and you two were not just about to bone down.”

Evan blushed at the crude phrase and stuttered unintelligibly, gaping back and forth between Jared and Connor.

Connor sat up a little as Evan flew off of him, but he wasn’t as phased as Jared was. He wasn’t going to let Jared ruin this for him, and he definitely wasn’t going to let him make Evan feel uncomfortable or ashamed of this.

“No, we were actually going to move to _your_ bed for that part, but you interrupted us,” Connor shot back without a second of hesitation. He was already sick of Jared being so hostile towards him, and he wasn’t going to let him keep scaring Evan and making him nervous like this. He could be just as snarky, just as petty, just as quick. He could easily go head-to-head with Jared.

Evan covered his mouth to stifle the laugh that tried to escape due to Connor’s snarky comeback. Jared shot Evan daggers with his eyes at that.

“Oh it’s _so_ funny is it, Hansen?” Jared flopped down on his bed and glared at them. “Please, don’t let me stop you.” He grabbed a bag of chips that was hiding under his bed and began to nibble as he scrolled through his phone. Evan sat stock still not sure what to do next. He grabbed Connor’s shirt and handed it back to him, whispering, “um, maybe we could take that walk now?”

Connor glared back at Jared, keeping his eyes on him as he took his shirt from Evan and pulled it back on. He really didn’t want to leave, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to handle himself if they stayed there in Evan’s bed. But one more little kiss couldn’t hurt. So Connor gave Jared a piercing glare before pulling Evan back into his lap, kissing him as slowly and sensually as he could, hands slipping over his back, one hand moving up to tangle in Evan’s hair as he kissed him as deeply and _dirtily_ as possible.

Connor pulled away after a few good seconds, ending it with a quick peck to Evan’s lips before shooting Jared one more look and standing up. “Alright, I’m ready now. Let’s go,” Connor said as he reluctantly stood up, holding his hand out for a very dazed-looking Evan.

Evan just about lost it from Connor’s last kiss. It was so sensual and seductive he almost wished Jared could be around always, if it drew that sort of response from Connor. Evan blushed madly, throwing his shirt back on, as Connor took his hand and led him out of the dorm, knowing full well how Jared would chew him out about it all later when he was back and Connor was gone. But for now, he ignored it, and the moment they were in the hall and the door was shut behind them, Evan pushed Connor surprisingly forcefully against the wall and looped his fingers through his belt loops as he pulled himself into him.

“You’re so hot,” he slurred, crushing their mouths together as he forced his tongue into Connor’s mouth, drinking him up. If Evan had been a little braver (and let’s be honest, he was almost at his max in that area for the day) he would have told Connor he wanted to fuck him, right there and then, but instead he pulled away and said, “let’s go get ice cream,” with a sheepish grin.

Connor kissed Evan back right away, tangling his hands in Evan’s hair as he kissed him deeper. He didn’t want to pull away, so when he did, he let out a breathy chuckle and ran his hands through his hair. “God, you have to give me a minute.” Connor really wanted to just stay there making out with Evan, maybe even doing more, but that didn’t seem to be an option so he would gladly go for ice cream with him instead. He just didn’t want to walk around campus totally hard, so he needed a second to cool down. “You’re driving me crazy, I swear..” Connor couldn’t believe the affect Evan had on him already. He just didn’t want to stop kissing him; keeping his hands off of him seemed impossible. But Connor could manage it, he could keep himself composed until they could be alone again.

Evan bit his bottom lip as he tried not to smile. He felt warm inside at the fact that he had such an effect on Connor. He definitely didn’t want to stop either but he thought maybe they should slow down a bit and just take their time continuing to get to know each other. Evan took Connor’s hand as they headed outside and down the road to their next destination. 


End file.
